Humans: The Thiccest of the Apes

Virginia Law Weekly April 27, 2023

Jon Peterson '23
Executive Editor Emeritus

Humans: The Thiccest of the Apes

Jon Peterson

Word Count: 1413

Humans: The Thiccest of the Apes

To cap off what has been, for me, an animal-related pet project in the Law Weekly, my final article will be about a very familiar animal: humans. We humans think of ourselves as relatively fragile yet extremely intelligent animals—ones which survived and thrived in large part due to our brains. And while this isn’t entirely false, it overlooks many of the astonishing physical characteristics of humans. So, what was it, physiologically, that made humans apex predators?

Before our ancestors began crafting the tools involved in projectile-based hunting, they engaged in a more terrifying sort of hunting. Persistence hunting—the same style of hunting utilized by African painted dogs—involves chasing an animal during the hottest part of the day until the animal collapses from heat exhaustion. This is possible because of a suite of adaptations, all with one purpose in mind: endurance. As a result, humans are, physiologically, one of the best hot climate distance runners in the animal kingdom (excluding, perhaps, pronghorns and ostriches).

Pictured: An Ape.
Photo Credit: Jack B. '23.

Thermoregulation

There are three broad categories of adaptations that have made humans so freakishly good at running long distances. Perhaps the most unique adaptation humans have undergone is something most of us probably hate: sweating.

Humans are undeniably the best sweaters in the animal kingdom, and it’s hardly even close.[1] We have three types of sweat glands—eccrine, apocrine, and apoeccrine. For the latter two, suffice it to say that apoeccrine sweat glands are relatively unstudied, and apocrine sweat glands are what create the tell-tale scent of “body odor.”[2]

Humans have between two and four million eccrine sweat glands located all over our bodies.[3] Instead, eccrine sweat glands create a layer of water—sweat—on the body which evaporates. In this process, heat from our body is transferred into the sweat through contact with our skin. This draws heat from the body into the sweat, cooling us down. The special benefit here is that we, unlike mammals that thermoregulate through panting, can cool ourselves while simultaneously engaging in strenuous physical activity. So, while prey animals struggled to regulate their body temperatures as they ran from human hunters, we remained comfortable. The hunting strategy, essentially, was to utilize our higher heat tolerance to induce heat stroke in prey animals by forcing them into an endurance race. Picture the tortoise and the hare, except the tortoise wants to murder the hare. Every time the hare pauses to rest, thinking he’s lost the tortoise, he sees the tortoise cresting the horizon, plodding towards him, indefatigable.

Other adaptations increase the effectiveness of our cooling system. For one, our bodies are taller when compared to australopithecines and other modern apes. This creates a higher surface-area-to-body-mass ratio in humans. This means more surface area for sweat to work its magic and cool us down.[4] Additionally, the bone structure in our heads facilitates cooling. Deoxygenated blood draining from our head travels close to the skin and is cooled by sweat. The veins which carry this cooled blood pass near our carotid arteries. Heat exchange occurs between the veins carrying cooler deoxygenated blood back towards the heart and the carotid arteries carrying oxygenated blood towards the brain. This cools the oxygenated blood, and thus our overall temperature.[5]

Shock Absorption

Humans have multiple adaptations designed to limit the wear and tear we experience when running long distances. The vast majority of these involve developing bones with proportionally larger surface areas compared to our ancestors and relatives. Our vertebrae and disks are larger in diameter; the connection between the pelvis and spine is stronger and larger; we have larger surface areas in our hips, knees, and ankle joints; and we have an enlarged heel bone—all of this aids in shock absorption by distributing impacts over larger surfaces throughout the body, collectively limiting the overall impact to any one area.[6] Additionally, we have a ligament running from the back of our skull down to the thoracic vertebrae. This also acts as a shock absorber.[7]

The importance of shock absorption should not be understated. Typical marathon runners average about 40,000 steps.[8] When you realize that running is really just kicking the ground over and over again, doing that 40,000 times doesn’t even sound feasible. But 26.2 miles is an arbitrary number and not even close to the limits of human endurance. The Tarahumara tribe, or as they refer to themselves, the Rarámrui—“those who run fast”—are accustomed to running 200 miles over the course of several days without stopping to rest.[9] If a marathon is equivalent to kicking the ground 40,000 times in a row, a 200 mile run equals a staggering 305,000 kicks. And that’s entirely within the realm of the possible for humans.

Pictured: An ape swinging from a vine.
Photo Credit: Jackson G. '23.

Efficiency

Finally, our bodies have changed to accommodate the dynamics of running more efficiently. First, our heads are more balanced for running than australopithecines—flatter faces with smaller teeth and noses have shifted the center of mass in our heads backwards.[10] And, our shoulders have been “decoupled” from the head and neck. This allows us to rotate our bodies while aiming our heads forward while running.[11] Further, our longer torsos permit our upper and lower bodies to move independently of each other—enabling us to counteract the movement of our legs by swinging our arms.[12] Our shorter forearms also make it easier to keep our arms flexed in a running position for a long period of time, while our longer legs enable us to take huge strides.[13] Working alongside these long legs, our ligaments—namely the Achilles tendon—act as springs that “store and release mechanical energy” when we run.[14] Finally, the arrangement of our feet makes the whole thing more rigid, allowing us to push off the ground more efficiently and utilize our spring-like ligaments.[15]

However, the titular trait—our butts—brings us to perhaps my favorite fact. The very respected researcher who I am citing is quoted saying that human buttocks “are huge” and that apes “have no buns.”[16]We callipygian creatures are certainly well-endowed. Those glutes that we hone in the gym are evolutionarily critical for stabilization when running. Humans lean forward at the hip when we run—without our big booties, we’d be falling face-first. So, thank your bloodthirsty persistence hunting ancestors for your butt. Get out to The Corner and work it, you killing machine.

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jtp4bw@virginia.edu

[1] Horses also sweat, but much less effectively because they have retained a coat of hair. Our hairlessness actually aids significantly when it comes to sweat’s ability to cool us down.

[2] Lindsay B. Baker, Physiology of Sweat Gland Function: The Roles of Sweating and Sweat Composition in Human Health, Temperature (Austin) (2019), https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6773238/.

[3] Id. It is also a common myth that we can “sweat out” toxins. Eccrine sweat (the vast majority of the sweat we produce) is mostly water and salt. There are some minute changes that can take place; however, these are to aid in the thermoregulatory function. Excretory functions in the body—getting rid of toxins—are almost exclusively undertaken by the liver and kidney. So, unfortunately, a trip to the sauna to cope with a hangover really isn’t doing much to help you “sweat out” whatever it is you’re feeling. Id.

[4] How Running Made Us Human: Endurance Running Let Us Evolve to Look the Way We Do, Science Daily (Nov. 24, 2004), https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2004/11/041123163757.htm [hereinafter “Science Daily”]. For a dive into the prevalence of this surface-area-to-body-mass ratio, check out Allen’s Rule. Allen’s Rule, Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allen%27s_rule (last visited Apr. 23, 2023).

[5] Science Daily, supra note 4. Great white sharks do the exact same thing, but to achieve the opposite effect: warming. White sharks heat their blood through a “countercurrent exchanger.” Heat is generated from the shark’s swim muscles. Deoxygenated blood flows near those swim muscles, capturing their heat. This blood then flows near colder oxygenated blood from the gills, transferring the heat. This allows the shark to keep a body temperature higher than that of the water around it. Perhaps law students have more in common with white sharks than just their ruthlessness and lack of morals. Are Great White Sharks Cold-Blooded or Warm-Blooded?, Animal Cosmos, https://animalscosmos.com/are-great-white-sharks-cold-blooded-or-warm-blooded/#:~:text=Endotherms%20sharks,temperature%20above%20the%20surrounding%20water (last visited Apr. 23, 2023).

[6] Science Daily, supra note 4.

[7] Id.

[8] How Many Steps Are in a Marathon and Half-Marathon?, Proud to Run, https://proudtorun.org/how-many-steps-in-a-marathon/ (last visited Apr. 23, 2023).

[9] Matt Davis, Why Endurance Running Is Humanity’s Surprising Hidden Talent, Big Think (Oct. 31, 2018), https://bigthink.com/life/humans-best-endurance-runners/.

[10] Science Daily, supra note 4.

[11] Id.

[12] Id.

[13] Id.

[14] Id.

[15] Id.

[16] Id.

Students and Faculty Face Off in Court

Virginia Law Weekly April 24, 2023

Andrew Allard '25
Executive Editor

Last week, a team of students engaged members of the Law School faculty in an exciting, tense, and—at times—physical battle in court. During the fast-paced, hour-long exchange, students fought fiercely to outmaneuver their experienced adversaries. Spectators watched enthusiastically, straining to keep up with the twists and turns of the intense competition.

This was, of course, no court of law, but a court of ball—basketball, to be exact. In keeping with an annual tradition dating back to at least 2002,[1] a basketball match against Law School faculty was up for grabs at the PILA Auction back in November of last year. The lucky winner of the student/faculty game was Mike Ji ’25.

Pictured: Post Game Picture of Students and Faculty
Photo Credit: Andrew Allard '25.

Ji and his team of Ryeen Arzani ’25, Zac Hayburn ’25, Wesley Jung ’25, Rachel Lia ’24, Jonathan “JP” Price ’25, Brad Subramaniam ’25, Mary Triplett ’24, and Kayla Walczyk ’24 faced off against Professors Andrew Block, Josh Bowers, Joe Fore ’11, Thomas Frampton, Andrew Hayashi, Chinh Le ’00, Richard Schragger, Micah Schwartzman ’05, and Senior Director of Development for the Law School Foundation, Joby Ryan ’05.

In an exciting finish, with just five seconds left, the students, down by two points, called a timeout. Racing for a final shot at the basket, the student team boldly attempted a three-point throw to deny the faculty a chance at victory in overtime. Cheers—and groans—filled the room as the whistle blew. The students just missed their three, and the faculty team eked out a 45-43 win.

Professor Frampton, still catching his breath, reflected on the hard-fought victory. “All credit to the students . . . I’m glad I didn’t hurt anyone. I’m glad I stayed on the bench long enough to avoid getting hurt. I’m glad it didn’t break out into fighting. It was a little touch-and-go for a moment there.”[2]

Pictured: Students and Faculty prepare for the opening center toss.
Photo Credit: Andrew Allard '25.

The game did have its moments of physical tension, no doubt a sign of cold-call-induced animosity between the students and their professors. The intense gameplay allowed the faculty to capitalize on several foul shots. After the game, I asked Ji if he thought his opponents had bribed the referees. “Well, actually, we paid the refs,” he told me.

Enthusiastic defending aside, both teams exhibited a high degree of character and, yes, fitness. No sooner than they had started, the players worked up a sweat and their faces reddened, demonstrating the resounding athleticism that is so characteristic of the legal profession.

At halftime, the score had reached 32-26, with the faculty leading. “They’re surprisingly athletic,” said Ji.[1] [2]

I have no metric by which to measure anyone’s performance, but as the reporter covering the event, I must assert the privilege of picking an MVP. That title clearly goes to Professor Fore’s son for referring to the faculty team as the “old people” at the beginning of the game. Great job, kid.

The professors might be able to avoid this epithet if they invested in some uniforms. After all, some of them have been playing in the annual student-faculty basketball game for more than five years. Uniforms would add a serious intimidation factor to the faculty team and give them something other than their age to distinguish them from their student opponents. And what are sports about if not flair?

While I’m at it, one other piece of advice for the faculty team: Go co-ed! The women of the student team scored some sick baskets and generally kicked ass. I’m sure the UVA Law faculty is rife with women that could tear it up on the court. I’m looking at you, Professor Woolhandler.

These minor flaws kept the event just short of perfection. But all in all, the match was a great diversion from the April doom loop. The gameplay was thoroughly entertaining, and feelings of sportsmanship and camaraderie abounded. If that’s not what it means to be a UVA Law student, I don’t know what is.

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tya2us@virginia.edu

[1] https://www.law.virginia.edu/news/2002_fall/pila2.htm.

[2] Professor Frampton later suggested that I could just “make something up” for his quote. I was naturally shocked by this egregious insult to the journalistic integrity of the Law Weekly.

Can this be in the title somehow? lol

If it'll fit with InDesign, absolutely

Law Weekly's Favorite Finals Food

Virginia Law Weekly April 24, 2023

We received a flood of emails last week from readers who tried “Pickles an’ Cheese” and are now threatening us with law suits. We spoke with our attorneys, and, after careful consideration, they have advised us to double down. That’s right—we’re publishing a second week of recipes, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Except try making them, which you should totally do, you litigious bastards.

Darius’s Chickpea Stirfry

This meal is vegan, high in protein and vitamins, and really filling. I tried to simplify this dish as much as possible to keep things simple. Add it on top of some rice if you wanna get fancy, or eat it out of the pan. I don’t use measurements, and I don’t think you should, either. Learning techniques instead of blindly following recipes is what will make you a competent cook. Swap out ingredients you don’t have, and taste as you cook.

• 1 can of chickpeas

• Couple of splashes of oil

• Some chopped onion

• Frozen vegetables

• Squeeze of tomato paste or a few tablespoons of pasta sauce

• A few dashes of ground cumin

• Hefty amount of ground black pepper

• Lots of garlic (in any form)

• Some chili flakes

• Soy sauce (to taste) or salt

Set your burner to medium high, and heat up enough oil to cover your pan. While you are waiting, drain your chickpeas, and chop your onions however you want. When the oil is hot, add your chili flakes, tomato, pepper, and onion. Stir that up until the onions soften. Add in the drained chickpeas, and let them fry in the oil mixture for a bit. Add in the garlic, and let it cook until it’s fragrant. Add the frozen vegetables, and let them defrost and cook through. Add soy sauce or salt to taste.

Rachel’s Family Chili Recipe

My family made this a lot growing up, and it’s always been a fan-favorite comfort food. It may take a little more work than some of the other entries here, but it’s still relatively simple and makes about six (freezable) quarts, so that small amount of effort will go a long way. It’s healthy, filling, and works well as a complete meal.

Ingredients

• 1 large onion

• 2+ bell peppers

• 2+ lbs meat (e.g., stew meat, ground beef, sausage, literally whatever you have on hand and like)

• 1 tablespoon olive oil

• 1–3 habanero peppers and/or jalapenos, very finely diced (Keep it to one habanero unless you want it noticeably spicy)

• 4–5 regular-sized cans’ worth of beans, drained and rinsed (I normally use kidney and black beans)

• One 7 oz. or two 4 oz. can mild green chili peppers (undrained)

• Three 14.5 oz. cans diced tomatoes

• Two 6 oz. cans tomato paste (adjust upward to make thicker)

• 2 tablespoons sugar

• 2 teaspoons marjoram

• 1–4 cloves garlic diced/crushed (lower if you used heavily seasoned meat)

• 2 bay leaves

• For serving: cheese, chips, salsa, guacamole, lettuce, or whatever you like

Steps

1. Cook onion, bell pepper, and meat together in olive oil. Drain excess water/juice.

2. Add the cooked ingredients and the rest of the ingredients together in a Crockpot (or similar dedicated slow-cooker) (preferred) or Instant Pot and stir.

3. Add extra tomatoes, tomato paste, and beans as necessary to balance the mix.

4. Set to cook. It’s better the longer you cook it. Crockpots cook more efficiently than Instant Pots, and my family’s has options for 4–10 hours, but I’d recommend starting the chili in the morning for it to be ready by dinner. For an Instant Pot, put it on the high slow-cook setting, set the knob to vent (or use a well-fitted tempered glass lid with a vent), and cook for about twelve hours (ideally stirring once or twice part-way through).

Rachel’s Loaded Potatoes

Need something quicker than chili? Use an Instant Pot to steam potatoes. Recipe originally from the Pressure Cook Recipes by Amy + Jacky blog.[1]

1. Add a cup of water to the Instant Pot.

2. Rinse potatoes, use a fork to poke holes in them, then place them on the included wire rack. Pro tip: Make extra potatoes. They refrigerate and reheat in the microwave well. But don’t stack them on top of each other.

3. Measure the circumference of the largest potato, then cook on high pressure according to the following chart:

• 7” Potatoes (~17.8 cm): 25 minutes

• 7.5” Potatoes (~19.1 cm): 28 minutes

• 8” Potatoes (~20.3 cm): 31 minutes

• Etc. (+3 minutes for each additional ½ inch)

4. Natural release for ten minutes, then quick release the remainder of the steam.

5. Cut potato in half, then cut slits lengthwise for the butter to melt into.

6. Top with butter (I like the Kerrygold Garlic Herb Butter), shredded cheese, and chopped bacon.

NIKO’s Buff Chick Dip

You might think that buff chick dip is only for game day, but shouldn’t you treat every day like it’s game day? Give yourself the fuel and fiery flavor you deserve—not to mention a dish which lasts for at least a week and a half in your fridge. Remember, food duration is much like law school: It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

Ingredients:

• Pre-cooked chicken (either half of a Costco rotisserie chicken, shredded with a fork, or—for those of you without a Costco membership—6 cans of Swanson’s canned chicken will do nicely)

• Frank’s Red Hot™

• 2 blocks of cream cheese (if you’re trying to be healthy, can mix and match with greek yogurt but I mean… blech)

• Kraft Three-Cheese shredded cheese

• Tortilla chips of your choosing

• Salt

• Pepper

Recipe:

1. Shred the chicken with a fork, and place in mixing bowl

2. Add in cream cheese and Frank’s Red Hot, mix well with chicken. Add salt and pepper to taste.

3. Put dip into plexiglass baking dish

4. Sprinkle shredded cheese on top (do as much as you like, but keep in mind that there is a point of marginal decreasing returns where the thickness of the cheese is just going to break your tortilla chips)

5. Bake in oven at 375 degrees for fifteen minutes

6. Let sit for ten minutes, then enjoy!

7. Optional: Add jalapeno slices on top

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tya2us@virginia.edu

[1] https://www.pressurecookrecipes.com/instant-pot-baked-potatoes/

Ranking the FRCP by their Hotness

Virginia Law Weekly April 24, 2023

Ethan Brown ‘25
Features Editor

Here’s a question for those of you out there who might be unfortunate enough to be dating a law student: When intimacy wanes, what book should you introduce into your relationship to spice things up? Fifty Shades of Grey? No.[1] Red, White, and Royal Blue?[2] Well, yes, actually, it’s the perfect novel, but that’s beside the point. The best book for reviving passion with your beloved is none other than the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure. Why, you might ask?[3] Look no further, for today I regale you with the Top Ten Hottest Federal Rules of Civil Procedure.[4] People Magazine could never.

#10: 28 U.S.C. § 452: “Courts always open…”

This section refers to the capacity of the United States federal courts to always be open for the purposes of accepting proper papers, issuing and returning process, and making motions and orders. Just like the federal courts, maybe you and your loved one should consider always being open. Maybe the thrill of non-monogamy[5] almost matches that of being able to file a notice of appearance at any time you want?

#9: Rule 66: Receivers

This saucy rule governs receivers in estate administration, in whom is placed the responsibility for the property of others, and states that the practice of their estate administrations must accord with historical practice in the federal courts or with local rules. While Rule 66 refers to historical times, “receiver” in modern parlance is often equated with something quite a bit different—earning it a respectable ninth place finish.

#8: Rule 53: Masters

Rule 53 articulates the role of masters—lawyers whom the court may appoint to serve as neutral parties to assist the court throughout the case—and describes rules for their disqualification, appointment, and reporting procedures. Let the raw power of appointing a master in the courtroom inspire you to similar pursuits in your romantic endeavors… by appointing a neutral third party to monitor and conduct expansive reportings of your relationship.

#7: Rule 9: Pleading Special Matters

Rule 9 walks litigants through pleading procedures for special matters, ranging from allegations of fraud or mistake to asserting admiralty or maritime claims. But what is the most special matter that we hold nearest and dearest to our hearts? Love. So, when you and your partner hit a rough patch, feel inspired by Rule 9, and remember to plead that love to them.

#6: Rule 4: Summons and Service

For anyone who’s ever taken the Love Languages test, you should know that “acts of service” are a common way to validate and comfort your partner. And clearly, Rule 4(c)’s taken the Love Languages test too, because it spends a whopping five (!) pages describing how service can be effectively performed; how it can be waived; against whom it can be performed; and time restrictions on its performance. It’s basically like the FRCP wrote a little manual on how to woo your partner with this bad boy.

#5: Rule 24(a): Intervention of Right

Rule 24(a) describes the expectation that the court permit any party to intervene who is (1) given an unconditional right to intervene by a federal statute or (2) claims an interest relating to the property or transaction that is the subject of the action which might be impaired by an inability to represent that interest. Let this rule be a wake-up call to you and your partner: There aren’t any interveners of right in your relationship. It’s just the two of you. No one will come and bail you out if things break down. Let that serve as an impetus—nay, a spark bursting into fire—to revive your love.

#4: Rule 36: Requests for Admission

This rule pertains to a party’s ability to request that another party admit to the truth of any matters within the scope of discovery relating to the facts of the case—or the genuineness of described documents—for purposes of the pending actions. It doesn’t look romantic at first, but I challenge you to look deeper. What is a relationship if not a request for admission into one’s heart?

#3: Rule 17: Plaintiff and Defendant; Capacity; Public Officers

I’ll admit it’s another sleeper hit, but Rule 17(a) describes the expectation that actions be prosecuted only in the name of the real party in interest, with exceptions for executors, administrators, bailees, and the like. But when I think, “real party in interest,” that’s not what I think—I imagine glamor, intrigue, titillation. Calling someone hot? Boring, been done before. Calling someone a “real party in interest”? Bold, exquisite, exotic.

#2: Rule 56: Summary Judgment

I’m not even going to explain this one because we all took Civ Pro and hopefully know what summary judgment is, but come on. There’s something powerful about the lack of a genuine dispute as to any material fact in the record, a reality so overpowering that the court simply can’t let a litigant move forward to trial. When something is that powerful and advocacy performed so zealously, it’s hard not to feel stirred, earning the classic Rule 56 a respectable second place on the charts.

And finally…

#1: Rule 19: Required Joinder of Parties

The rule that inspired this ridiculous article to begin with… ah, Rule 19. There’s so much to be said about you. Is it that “joinder” kind of reminded me of handcuffs? Or that it made me think about the institution of marriage, bringing two parties together to serve together as co-litigants?[6] I’m not exactly sure, but despite merely discussing when persons must be added as parties to an action, this rule has something special: It’s spicy, it’s intimate, it’s cheeky. And it’s my first-place winner as the Hottest Federal Rule of Civil Procedure.

Thanks all, for having to bear witness to this true horror. Godspeed, and I hope you enjoyed the Civ Pro review session. I’ll anticipate your Venmo payments for my tutoring services shortly.

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bwj2cw@virginia.edu

[1] I haven’t read it, nor have I seen the film, but ew. Gives me the ick.

[2] IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THIS BOOK YET, LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND AND START NOW. IT ISN’T TOO LATE.

[3] Honestly, you should be asking this, because these are the musings of a stressed 1L on a healthy amount of fever medication.

[4] I hope this article serves as my own personal love letter to Civil Procedure as I close out my first year, because it—without competition—was my favorite class of 1L.

[5] See also Rule 14, Third-Party Practice.

[6] Sooooo romantic.

The Case of the Mock Trial Elections

Virginia Law Weekly April 24, 2023

Ryan Moore '25
Historian

I’ve seen a lot in my five years as a private investigator,[1] but nothing quite like this. There was something fishy with this election, plain and simple. The numbers didn’t add up, the results didn’t make sense, and I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right. As I pored over the email, I could feel my investigator senses tingling. This wasn’t just a matter of politics. This was a matter of justice.

On April 10, law students received an email from SBA. In it, SBA detailed how they had been made aware that “the Mock Trial elections were not conducted as outlined by the Mock Trial Constitution.” The election was being “contested.” The only remedy, after mediation with the SBA Executive Board, was for SBA to conduct and oversee a new election. The new election, which closed April 12, was wholly run by SBA.

I had been hired[2] by a small group of concerned citizens,[3] people who had seen the email[4] sent out by SBA. They didn’t have the resources or the free time to investigate, and honestly, neither did I. But they had hired me to find it. It wouldn’t be easy, it wouldn’t be pretty, and it wouldn’t be a good use of my time, but it was a fight worth fighting. And I was ready to take it on.

My investigation began like all good investigations do: asking people to do the hard work for you. I fired up my laptop,[5] logged into GroupMe, and asked my section, “Does anybody know what happened with mock trial elections?” A few memes began to pile up. Photos of United Nations peacekeepers conducting “free and fair elections” in sub-Saharan Africa. Jokes about how the only entity less powerful than the United Nations was SBA. Jokes about the irony of a team of Mock Trial law students losing their case against SBA. This case was going to be harder than I thought.

I was forced to resort to an old PI trick: legalized eavesdropping. I sat in ScoCo and listened in on conversations. I hoped someone would eventually reveal to me all the juicy details of this election. The students were certainly talkative. 1Ls were putting off their oral argument prep, and the 2Ls were planning the final semester events for their clubs. As usual, the 3Ls hadn’t been seen on Grounds for weeks.

As I sat in ScoCo, drinking my overpriced iced mocha with oat milk,[6] I heard all sorts of juicy secrets. Some man named Connor Roy, presumably a UVA Law alum,[7] had ended his campaign for President. A wild bear was terrorizing the Mills Creek neighborhood. Pav was no longer locking its doors after 7 p.m. on the weekends. But over the course of my investigation, I discovered nothing about these elections.

It was only after conducting a deep investigation into my numerous unread emails that I discovered the next clue. There exists a little-known practice, detailed in some obscure writing called the “SBA Monday Mail,” which indicates that SBA officers hold weekly “public” meetings.

I put “public” in quotes because when I tried to enter the meeting room, the door wouldn’t open. “Ah, it must be a push door, not a pull door,” I thought as I tried again. Nope. The door was locked. I turned to bail on the mission when I made eye contact with half the members of SBA. One member got up and let me in. “Thanks,” I muttered as I found the only open seat in the room. As I later learned, absolutely no one goes to public SBA meetings. In fact, I think my Law Weekly editors hazed me when they suggested attending this meeting.[8]

After forty-five minutes of listening to SBA discuss updating school security policies, I realized that SBA meetings are a lot like Taco Bell: You couldn’t get me to do either sober, but both would be a lot more fun while drunk. The meeting wasn’t all bad, because it was here that I cracked the case. I finally solved the Case of the Mock Trial Election.

Basically, every Law School club has a club constitution that details the rules and procedures of that club. These constitutions are drafted when the club is founded. However, some organizations do not update their constitutions as practices change over time. All elections and decision making should be conducted in accordance with the club’s constitution. Failure to do so can lead to a rerun of the election and monitoring by SBA.

If there is anything law students should take away from The Case of the Mock Trial Election, it is the importance of keeping your club constitutions up-to-date. That, and SBA should serve Taco Bell.[9]

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tqy7zz@virginia.edu

[1] No joke, I was a licensed private investigator in Chicago and Phoenix.

[2] Given pizza.

[3] My editors at Virginia Law Weekly.

[4] Which I sent the editors.

[5] I never could solve The Case of the Phone I Lost at Barrister’s.

[6] $7.34 is ridiculous, and I can’t even bill it to the Law Weekly.

[7] Probably also in FedSoc?

[8] I will be informing Dean Davies.

[9] Seriously? No free food? The Law Weekly has pizza at every meeting.

Eastern Europe's Easter Eggs

Virginia Law Weekly April 13, 2023

Monica Sandu '24
Production Editor

Pysanky.[1] Ouă încondeiate. Hímestojás. Margutis. They go by many names, but elaborately decorated Easter eggs are a time-honored tradition throughout Central and Eastern Europe.

Pictured: Traditional Romanian Easter Eggs (Ouă încondeiate)
Photo Credit: https://cultivaprofitabil.ro/oua-incondeiate-cele-mai-frumoase-modele-facute-de-mesteri-populari/

History of the Painted Egg

Decorating eggs is an ancient art form. Fragments of 60,000-year-old painted eggshells have been found in rock shelters in Namaqualand, South Africa.[2] Painted ostrich eggs, along with gold and silver egg representations, were common in Sumerian and Egyptian graves as early as 5,000 years ago.[3]

Some sources trace the custom of egg dying to Persian Nowruz traditions adopted by early Christians in Mesopotamia, which then became adopted with the spread of Christianity.[4] It may have also coincided with existing pre-Christian traditions throughout Europe.[5] Eggs were a common symbol of fertility and rebirth, tying into springtime celebrations and the new year generally, as well as the Christian celebration of the Resurrection during Easter.[6]

Technique[7]

Two types of Easter eggs are typically prepared. The dyed eggs are hard-boiled eggs that are then soaked in vinegar and dyed to stain the shells; these are intended to be cracked and eaten. In contrast, the decorated eggs, which involve elaborate designs on hollowed-out eggshells, are aesthetic and contain lots of cultural and religious symbolism.

The process begins by hollowing out the egg. A fresh, raw egg is washed and dried. A thin needle is gently worked into each end of the egg until a small hole is made on either side. The needle is then inserted into the egg to break up the yolk inside. Finally, the artist will gently blow into one end of the egg until all of the egg’s contents come out, leaving behind only an intact eggshell. From there, the decorating can begin.

The most common method of preparing decorated eggs is through a series of wax-resist drawings.[8]First, the artisan dips a thin brush made of wire and a single boar bristle into hot, melted beeswax and draws the parts of the design that they wish to have in white. Once the wax dries, the egg is dipped in the lightest-color dye in the pattern, typically yellow. The wax prevents the dye from sticking to the covered portion, so lines drawn in wax will show up white. The artisan next draws the parts of the design that are to remain yellow and then dips the egg in another color of dye, such as red. The process repeats for each progressively darker color in the design until the egg is complete. Once all of the dye is dry, the wax resist is melted or scraped away, leaving behind the elaborate design made up of layers of dye.

An alternative method, typically used on wooden eggs or statutes, rather than eggshells themselves, is directly painting the designs. However, this method is not usually called pysanky, which is defined by the wax-resist technique. The eggs made using this alternative method can also be decorated with beads or, as in the case of the famed Fabergé eggs, gold and precious gems.

One of the most unique styles of egg decorating involves natural plant stencils. A small leaf or flower is tied to an egg or placed with an egg in a transparent cloth. The two are then boiled together with onion skins, which dye the egg a dark red-brown color. The leaf is then peeled away to reveal its imprint on the shell.

Motifs and Symbolism

Traditional Orthodox Easter eggs, both those meant for eating and those that are decorative, are dyed red, symbolic of the blood of Christ. Similarly, decorated eggs are usually black, red, and gold, though blues and greens are also sometimes used, invoking death and rebirth simultaneously.

Designs are primarily geometric, ranging from the simple to the intricate, though stylized flowers and other plant life are also very common and celebrate the life that returns to the world in springtime. Religious symbols, such as crosses, may also be included.

A combination of religious artwork and decorative folkcraft, Easter eggs are a living tradition celebrated around the world.

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ms7mn@virginia.edu

[1] In many Slavic languages, the term (pysanky in Ukrainian, pisanica in Croatian, pisanka in Polish, etc.) comes from the Old Slavonic word “пьсати” (pisamu), meaning “to write.” This is because Christian iconographic tradition often refers to the creation of religious art as “writing,” rather than painting, due to the narrative content of the work, as well as the spiritual process involved.

[2] Brian Stewart, Egg Cetera #6: Hunting for the world’s oldest decorated eggs, Univ. of Cambridge (Apr. 10, 2012), https://www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/egg-cetera-6-hunting-for-the-worlds-oldest-decorated-eggs.

[3] Easter Egg, Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Easter_egg.

[4] Id.; 8 Kenneth Thompson, Culture and Progress: Early Sociology of Culture (The Making of Sociology) 138 (1st ed. 2003).

[5] Egg decorating in Slavic culture, Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egg_decorating_in_Slavic_culture.

[6] Victoria Williams, Celebrating Life Customs Around the World (2016).

[7] Unica, How to Paint Easter Eggs, YouTube (May 18, 2011), https://youtu.be/JdGMojAXvHc.

[8] On Wednesday, August 4, the Orthodox Christian Law Student Association (OCLSA) hosted an egg-decorating workshop, exploring the lesser-known technique of using Sharpie on plastic eggs.

Gerri Kellman: TV's Favorite LawHoo

Virginia Law Weekly April 13, 2023

Devon Chenelle ‘23
Prose Style Editor

Pictured: Former NLG President and Modern-Day Corporate Raider, Gerri Kellman
Photo Credit: Peter Kramer, British Vogue

TV’s hottest show is the HBO prestige drama/dark comedy Succession. The show depicts the trials and tribulations of one extraordinarily wealthy family, the Roys, as the family’s next generation struggles amongst themselves and against their father, Logan, to seize control of the family business, Waystar Royco, a media conglomerate modeled after NewsCorp (formerly the parent company of Fox News). I find the show compelling and hilarious viewing; when members of the Roy family shout commands at their personal bankers and attorneys, I giggle, imagining those commands working their way down from the in-house employees, to the BigLaw relationship partner, until it ultimately culminates in future versions of ourselves scrambling to fulfill their wishes as associates. My most beloved aspect of Succession has to be that the show’s best character—Gerri Kellman, Waystar Royco’s General Counsel—is very obviously an alumna of our own beloved UVA Law. Although the specifics of her legal education are not discussed in the show, a variety of hints, innuendos, and aspects of her characterization make it clear that this particular fine advocate could not have received her J.D. anywhere but Charlottesville.

To begin with, Gerri demonstrates the keen intelligence expected of a UVA Law graduate, without ever delving into the arcana of specific legal theories or running wild with the implications that obscure case law might hold for the Roy family’s feverish bouts of mergers and acquisitions. This is strongly paralleled in the fashion that UVA Law graduates, while perhaps possessed of slightly lower undergraduate GPAs and LSAT scores than our lovely peers at Harvard, Yale, and Stanford, have a hard-nosed, realistic, and “can-do” attitude to our legal work that makes us such wonderful successes at the law firms we are employed at. Although canonically she spent time as an assistant U.S. attorney, and thus doubtless has a masterful grasp of the ins-and-outs of securities law, Gerri knows that the right way to dissuade Logan from a potentially ill-advised acquisition is not through protracted discussion of the minutiae of Delaware corporate law or by reference to the Southern District of New York’s treatment of previous actions that rested within a gray area of the 1934 Act. Instead, it is best to proceed through skillful diplomacy and the mustering of social coalitions to make sure the correct strategy prevails—a delicate operation well-known to anyone who has ever had to assemble a softball team here.

Similarly, Gerri is a profoundly socially adroit individual and is able to employ all of her social wiles to make sure both her own best interests and those of Waystar Royco prevail at all times. Although our institution’s frequent and varied social events—from softball, to Feb Club, to Barrister’s Ball, and so many in between—surely exist to provide us a much-needed release valve from the at-times intense law school environment and to offer us a chance to socialize with our peers outside of the nooks and crannies of the Law Library, I suspect another significant reason for the Law School’s absolutely jam-packed social calendar is that it conditions us for the demands of law firm, and eventually in-house, life. Having to make polite chitter-chatter with that one section-mate you don’t quite connect with at weekly softball games is fantastic practice for the need to be on, at worst, cordial terms with all of the people you work with, and I find that Gerri’s deft social maneuverings in the viper’s nest of Waystar Royco is evidence of the social conditioning she received in spades at UVA Law. Could a graduate of any other law school have dealt with the treatment Gerri receives (which ranges from impolite to, at times, downright criminal) at the hands of the Roy family with so much grace and aplomb that she remains not only firmly ensconced within the company’s leadership but also a trusted advisor to all? Similarly, could a graduate of any other law school survive, without the training of Feb Club, the Roy family’s chaotic, neverending, and frequently alcohol-soaked social calendar? I think not.

Finally, although—as a man—the extent to which I can speak to this is limited, I find that Gerri represents the vigor, strength, and intelligence so typical of my female classmates. While I, like many of my male classmates, have a rather high opinion of myself, I must acknowledge my womanly classmates to be on the whole rather more impressive than myself. As I personally find the women of UVA Law to represent the best of this institution, so does Gerri Kellman.

I hope I have convinced you. If not, you will have to tune in and see for yourself. The new—and final—season of Succession is airing weekly on HBO, Sundays at 9 p.m.

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dnc9hu@virginia.edu

Law Weekly's Favorite Finals Food

Virginia Law Weekly April 13, 2023

The seasonal flurry of studying and long library sessions is upon us. The pre-finals marathon tends to exacerbate the already pressing need among burnt-out, impoverished law students for a quick, inexpensive, and, most importantly, satisfying meal. To make matters worse, our classmates all become too busy studying to plan the “lunch provided” events that we all know and love. We hear you, and we’re here to help. We have painstakingly recorded the recipes for our favorite lazy weeknight dinners—think low cost and high flavor-to-effort ratio. From hearty chili to vegan stir-fry, these recipes will give you the fuel you need to crush this finals season—or at least some culinary inspiration, if you’re more of a gourmet than a gunner.

Andrew’s (Stolen) Riff on Box Mac & Cheese

• 1 box of Annie’s Shells & White Cheddar Mac and Cheese

• 1 cup of frozen peas

• Chili crisp, to taste

This has been my go-to lazy meal since early in the pandemic when I was desperate for new cooking ideas. Just in time to treat my fomenting cabin fever, celebrity chef Samin Nosrat made a guest appearance on Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me![1] When asked about what she had been cooking for herself during quarantine, Nosrat said that she had recently made a box of Annie’s white cheddar mac and cheese with peas and chili crisp.

As a lover of all things carby, cheesy, and/or spicy, I thought I’d give it a try. Honestly? I have never been the same. I’m sure this sounds like an exaggeration. It is not. This simple variation adds maybe a minute or two of time to the usual eight minutes of work for boxed mac and cheese. What it adds in flavor? Immeasurable.

You can find Lao Gan Ma chili crisp in most grocery stores. Or if you want to be really extra, you could make your own.[2] And for those with Sam’s Club memberships, you can get a big ol’ twelve pack of Annie’s for just $12.98. You could buy a different brand if you prefer, but don’t let me hear about it. I will judge you. Most of all, don’t skip the peas! You’ll need some veggies to pretend it’s healthy. This could probably feed two, but I highly recommend—as Nosrat herself prefers—eating the whole thing.

Ethan’s Tuna Pesto/Avocado Toast Duo

Toast is the world’s easiest and purest food, and zhuzhing it up is my go-to recipe in a pinch. This recipe combines lean protein, tasty herbs, and creamy avocado to make a satisfying meal with diverse flavor portfolios in each bite. And for someone like me, who often forgets that protein is a necessary component of a healthy diet because I subsist solely on coffee and tortilla chips, this one’s a game changer.

• One 12 oz. can of tuna in extra virgin olive oil

• 1 tablespoon pesto, preferably Kirkland brand

• 1 ripe avocado

• ½ tablespoon plain yogurt

• Everything bagel seasoning[3]

• 2 slices seeded bread

• Heaping handful of arugula, spinach, or other greenery (I’m partial to arugula just since it’s a little bitter)

First, toast the two slices of bread. (Or don’t, if you’re some sort of freak who likes cold bread.) Mix the tuna and pesto in a small bowl, and then spread it on top of the bread. Avocado toast portion is next: Mash the avocado, mix in a little yogurt to make it creamy, and sprinkle in a liberal portion of seasoning to your liking. Spread it on top of the second piece. Then, put some arugula on top of both, and ta-da: a perfect mix of protein, fat, and carbohydrates that can do either as a snack or light meal.

Dana’s Grandma’s Shrimp and Rice

This meal is the definition of easy comfort, while still incorporating a decent portion of veggies and protein. Don’t let the part where you have to blend the sauce scare you off—if you don’t have a stick blender and don’t want to get tomatoes in your margarita maker, you can just give everything a vigorous mashing with a wooden spoon. Trust me, it’s cathartic.

• Large yellow onion

• 1 large can whole tomatoes (San Marzano if possible)

• 3 green bell peppers

• Garlic (go with what your heart tells you is the right amount)

• 1 bag large frozen shrimp

• 1 can coconut milk

• Paprika (essential)/garlic powder/salt/pepper/bit of cayenne/whatever other seasonings feel right

• Rice

Chop your onion, garlic, and peppers. Sauté the onion and peppers until they start softening up, then throw in the garlic and cook for another minute. Add the tomatoes and coconut milk. Bring to a simmer, and let it all cook together for at least thirty minutes, or until all the veggies are soft. Blend the whole thing into a smooth sauce, and let it keep simmering while you make the rice. Add your seasonings. When your rice is almost done, throw your frozen shrimp into the sauce, and let them cook through—you’ll know they’re ready when they are pink and curled slightly into a “C.” Plate it up, and enjoy.

“Pickles an’ Cheese” (possibly cursed)

This lazy meal was submitted to the Law Weekly by a student who is existing on a separate culinary plane. We’ll let the recipe speak for itself. Write us with a review if you try it (assuming you survive).

1. Slightly burn some American cheese on a skillet

2. Put pickles in the middle of the cheese

3. “Eat it like a tiny taco”

Chef’s note: “Why are you disgusted? It’s the same thing that’s on a cheeseburger.”

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tya2us@virginia.edu

[1] Samin Nosrat—if you don’t already know—is kind of a big deal. She is probably best known for her cookbook-turned-Netflix-series, Salt Fat Acid Heat. Her interview on Wait Wait is delightful. Please go listen to it. It’s the episode from April 11, 2020. Also, just want to acknowledge that I am a caricature of myself for sourcing my lazy meals from NPR.

[2] This arguably takes the recipe outside of “lazy” territory, but you can make a big batch in advance and have it at the ready in the fridge. This really does elevate it. I like Sohla El-Waylly’s recipe in Serious Eats.

[3] Or just black pepper, salt, garlic powder, and onion powder, if you lack the Trader Joe’s creation.

Join the Rod and Gun Club!

Virginia Law Weekly April 13, 2023

Tom Harrigan '24
Guest Editor

This past weekend marked the beginning of spring turkey season in Virginia. Early Saturday morning, I and thousands of other Virginians made our annual pilgrimage to the woods in hopes of snaring a wily old gobbler. A typical morning of turkey hunting starts by waking up as your classmates are leaving Bilt, driving out to BFE, and hiking a few dark, lonely miles into the woods (flashlights scare the birds). Then, just find a nice high spot where you can hear a long ways away and make yourself comfortable. The rest of the morning is spent lying motionless, resisting the urge to swat mosquitos, and periodically cooing in the hopes of eliciting a gobble from one of the sexually frustrated dinosaurs that call Virginia home.

Turkeys have excellent sight and hearing, a combination which makes it functionally impossible to sneak up on them. Instead, hunters must rely on their ability to pinpoint the exact location of sound, in order to call them in by imitating the sound of an excited hen in hopes that the gobbler will come to them. Calling is both the most rewarding and the most frustrating part of the sport. Hen turkeys communicate using a wide vocabulary of sounds, each with a distinct meaning. Imitating these different sounds can allow a hunter to open a dialogue with the male turkeys that can be remarkably complex, communicating mood, social status, stress level, and whether the hen is part of a group or alone. These exchanges can last up to hours and involve communicating with multiple birds simultaneously.

Because a turkey’s ability to locate the source of a sound made hours ago is so precise, I find that one of the most effective techniques is to accidentally fall asleep after calling out a few times. Napping prevents the two most common errors made by turkey hunters, over-calling and moving too much, and I seem to be able to exercise more self-control with free will out of the equation. After five or six hours of listening intently and accumulating a few ticks, it’s time to pack it up for the day. I don’t measure success in dead turkeys—mostly because I’m unwilling to admit to a level of failure not seen since Nikolai Morse ’24 tried to play pool at Miller’s.[1] Instead, I opt to measure it in gobbles, a more favorable metric, because after a few hours of silence I start to imagine them, and as far as I’m concerned, those ghost-gobbles count.

Despite the early mornings, the bug bites, the failure rate, and the inconvenient coincidence with finals season, spring turkey season remains my favorite time of year. A Cajun best summed it up to me once, saying, “These birds ain’t smart, but they ain’t stupid neither.” The humbling experience of engaging in and losing a battle of wits with a bird, combined with the refreshing nature of disconnecting from the world and focusing yourself totally on a challenge in the outdoors, makes for a truly special experience.

You might be asking, Tom, how does an interested newcomer get into the turkey game? Well, I am just the right person to ask because unlike most turkey hunters, I didn’t grow up with it. I picked up the sport as an adult after developing an interest by watching the birds while working in Oklahoma. As an adult-onset hunter without a mentor, I was forced to learn though trial and error and the internet—a tough way to get started in a sport with a steep learning curve. Fortunately, for UVA Law students there is a better way! The UVA Law Rod and Gun Club will be hosting informational sessions in the fall, providing mentorship and advice on how to take full advantage of the two million acres of public lands open to hunting in Virginia.

On behalf of the incoming board of the Rod and Gun Club, I’d like to extend an invitation to anyone and everyone who is interested in fishing, hunting, or outdoorsmanship generally. The mission of the Rod and Gun Club is to provide opportunities in the outdoors to law students of every background and experience level. Next year, our programming will include group fishing trips, shotgun sports, rifle shooting, and more. Our intention is to provide a safe environment for people new to these sports to learn from their fellow students, create bonds, and hopefully find a new hobby. Our new board, composed of VPs Gamliel Yerushalmi ’25 and Nikolai Morse ’24, Treasurer Matt Turk ’25, Fishing Chair Casey Crowley ’24, and myself, has diverse experience in a variety of outdoor sports and is excited to share that experience. I encourage every law student to try and find time to come to one of our events. You never know—you may discover a lifelong passion.

Interested students should feel free to reach out to me at rsf5dy@virginia.edu.

[1] Stick to law review office pool, Nikolai.

Guide to Becoming a "Keeper"

Virginia Law Weekly April 13, 2023

Garrett Coleman '25
Managing Editor

Last week, Dean Kevin Donovan gave two renditions of his professionalism class, this installment being titled: Are You a “Keeper”? The two-hour presentation was directed at firm-bound students, serving as a primer for how the Big Law apparatus works and how to put your best foot forward in the summer internship you worked so hard to secure. For those of you unable to attend, or those who share my level of emotional intelligence and need reinforcement on that front, here is an overview of this helpful class.[1]

Much of the time was spent on the firm business model and its current pressures from the economic environment. One of the first concepts Dean Donovan explained was “leverage.” If your firm has many associates working on large teams with few partners, then it is highly leveraged. This describes most of the firms in the American Lawyer 100. Contrast this to a boutique, in which there are very few associates for each partner. Dean Donovan explained that the tradeoff with increasing leverage is that the firm will be more exposed to recessions, while better able to meet demand in hot times. There was also an explanation on how that beautiful market rate gets into your bank account. Assuming 100% realized billable hours, a junior associate would bring in over one million dollars. What a great investment you are! But the reality is that many of your billable hours will be written off by a partner, so your “actualized” billables will be lower. And for the Big Law model to work, they expect junior associates to be bringing in at least double their salary.

While Dean Donovan said that he does not see an impending 2008 in the broader economy, there is likely to be a coming shock. And, if sustained, that could mean that your summer class of twenty-eight may only yield twenty offers. What comes next are strategies to secure your spot in that top twenty.

Showing initiative to superiors is an ideal way to move up the ladder. Included in the presentation was a recorded anecdote from Cate Stetson ’94, in which she recounted getting lunch with a junior associate. His initiative to ask her to lunch and express interest in her appellate litigation practice group is what put him on the radar. Without that lunch, it is likely that Stetson would not have taken him onto her team, and he would not be as close to making partner. All of this came from a simple lunch request. Building off of that, Dean Donovan mentioned that slower times for your practice group provide opportunities for this kind of soft career work. And lastly, initiative must be paired with good judgment, meaning that you interact with your superiors tactfully and only when you have enough bandwidth to take on more work.

Closely related to demonstrating initiative effectively is your level of emotional intelligence. This has several components, each of which can be improved upon. First, you need to be able to recognize your own emotions and how they are coming across as you interact with others. Dean Donovan gave a personal example of habitually walking fast—idiosyncrasies like these can leave the wrong impression among people who don’t know you well. Another aspect is being able to read the emotions of your coworkers. Reading the room and the body language of your higher ups is a necessary skill. Before going on a long tangent or interrupting to offer a solution, consider whether the environment is conducive to that. This also ties into a general level of optimism, the importance of which was noted by Dean Donovan. Resisting the urge to be fatalistic when under pressure is an important aspect of being enjoyable to work with. And lastly, if some interaction does go poorly over the summer, reach out to the Office of Private Practice to strategize.

Much of this emotional intelligence depends on your presence in the office. While hybrid work can be a tempting escape, Dean Donovan recommends a dynamic approach. For example, if the firm officially has a three-in-two-out schedule, but people in your practice group tend to be in the office on Fridays, then you should follow suit.

There were also smaller and more tangible steps to improve your value at a firm. First, record your time consistently throughout the day, in detail. Waiting until the end of the day is less reliable and will take up more of your free time. And be sure to record the “highest executive function you are using” and incorporate that into the bill. The fact that you are detailing this rather than an assistant means that the firm expects a sincere effort. Second, create systems for yourself that allow you to handle the onslaught of information. Keeping your calendars and to-do lists separate is a good way to prevent confusion.

Towards the end of the presentation, Dean Donovan shared a particularly helpful metaphor. He likened competition among associates in Big Law to selling white T-shirts at a mall. More or less, everyone has the same product. In response to that reality, you should focus on how you are going to sell your image and create a network of return customers. These customers represent the attorneys that like to bring you in for work and will vouch for you in the future. The ultimate goal is to be a “trusted advisor” to several attorneys, meaning that you are a universal resource for their quandaries. This is the path to becoming a keeper.

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jxu6ad@virginia.edu

[1] Credit for the title of this article goes to Ms. Ashley Lo ’25, and her penchant for timely—if tardy—quips.

Also, this article merely scratches the surface of what was covered. A follow-up with OPP is recommended for those who did not attend.

Law Weekly Runs the Charlottesville Ten-Miler

Virginia Law Weekly March 30, 2023

Ethan Brown '25
Features Editor

Last Saturday, on March 25, more than a thousand runners took to the streets of Charlottesville to participate in this year’s annual Ten-Miler road race. As a long-distance but admittedly not-very-fast runner, I was pumped. I love road races. I’m not a trail runner—never have been, never will be—both because I am afraid of wildlife[1] and because I trip over tree roots like it’s my day job. So, my happy place running is on the pavement. Also, seeing familiar places but with the energy and adrenaline of a new race is always refreshing. So, when I learned about the Charlottesville Ten-Miler earlier this semester, I knew I had to sign up.

There are three things that make for a good race: weather, route, and vibes. And honestly, I thought all three were pretty great this year. First, weather: I’ll admit it wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but I loved it. When I rolled up to Grounds at 6:45 a.m. ahead of the race’s 7:15 a.m. start time, it was 49 degrees and drizzly—by the time I finished running at 8:30 a.m., it was almost pouring, but the temperature had reached the low 50s. I’m always up for a rainy run, and since I was wearing three-inch running shorts and a long sleeve t-shirt, I’d have preferred the rain over the cold any day. I guarantee that if I had to run ten miles in 30 degree weather, the tone of this article would be significantly snarkier.

Picutred: The Ten Miler's Route Map (Follow Ethan Brown on Strava)

Second, the route: It was a great mixture of UVA sights, cute Charlottesville neighborhoods, and the Downtown Mall, with a few good hills and lots of audience participation along the way. While the Charlottesville Ten-Miler has been going on since 1976,[2] this year’s route varied slightly from previous years. Still, Miles 2.5–9.0 took place along the original path, so the bulk of the race was familiar to those who’d run the Ten-Miler before.

When we crossed the start line at 7:15 a.m., we started with a loop around Scott Stadium before snaking up Alderman Road, doing a loop around one of the neighborhoods in between Alderman and Ivy Road, and then heading back down Alderman toward the Lawn. As I’ve already mentioned in several articles with the Law Weekly,[3] I’m a big Main Grounds runner, so the first few miles of the race were fun, but I was more excited for the portions through downtown Charlottesville because they’re less frequent stops on my runs.

Luckily, those portions came quickly! By Mile 3, we had made our way past the Lawn, across University Avenue, and up Rugby Road. We turned on Grady Avenue and enjoyed a nice, long downhill until hitting Dairy Market—where there were lots of adorable families and friends cheering people on—and then headed up towards the Mall. The rain started to pick up during the next few miles of the race, soaking my bib and forcing me to abandon ship with listening to music, tucking my headphones in my pocket instead. So by the time we reached the Downtown Mall again around Mile 7, I was having a great time but also felt increasingly ready to be done, because the appeal of the whole “running in the rain” thing can only last so long.

As someone who is deeply sentimental about different physical locations in my life, the last few miles of the route were awesome to experience as a UVA student. We ran west on W Main Street from the Mall to the Lawn, passing by the train station, Jefferson Park Avenue, and the Corner. Then we dove back into Main Grounds along McCormick Road for the final mile sprint briefly up Observatory Hill, around the Alderman Road residence halls, and then back to Scott Stadium for a triumphant finish. All in all, I thought the route was fantastic, with a unique blend of UVA and Charlottesville scenery. If I were in charge, I’d keep it for next year’s race, too.

Finally, the most important question of any race: How were the vibes? They were wonderful! I could tell this race has been happening since the 1970s based on how well-run it was. The start line was efficiently run, the course support was well-organized, and the post-race snacks (Trader Joe’s bananas, Gatorade, water, Bodo’s, granola bars, you name it) were great. And better still, it wasn’t one of those races where you’re shepherded through a long line after finishing, where different people give you a pre-ordained amount of food.[4] From what I saw, we were free to grab as much as we wanted. And I also have to shout out the very cute finisher’s medal, which—as someone chronically dependent on external validation—will look excellent on my fridge.

It is through this three-part balancing test[5] that I deem the Charlottesville Ten-Miler to be a great road race, one that I heartily endorse and will look forward to doing both as a 2L and a 3L. I hope I see some of you there next year!

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bwj2cw@virginia.edu

[1] I was stung by a bee for the first time in Spies Garden in January. This article is not about my insect-related trauma—have YOU ever had to sit through eighty minutes of Con Law with a stinger in your upper thigh? Because I have. Nonetheless, the incident cemented my decision to never go into a forest again, because in my head, that’s where the bees live.

[2] Check out http://www.cvilletenmiler.com/ if you’re interested to learn more about the race’s admittedly pretty storied history!

[3] I need to get some new hobbies.

[4] I’m looking at you, Richmond Half-Marathon. We have beef.

[5] Call me Justice Breyer, because I friggin’ love me a good balancing test.

Take a Hike: How to Get Lost and Find Yourself

Virginia Law Weekly March 30, 2023

Dana Lake '23
EIC Emeritus

Springtime is for panicking about finals, writing briefs, and being outdoors. While pure, natural fear will ensure the first two happen, getting outside and into the sunshine is something that takes a bit more effort. Luckily, the Law Weekly is all about lowering barriers to entry. Whether you have an hour, an afternoon, or a whole day, here are some great local hikes to get you out of your miserable apartment and into the woods.

Pictured: Ivy Creek - A hike so easy, even my parents could do it!

For Those Who Want to Get Away from It All (For an Hour)

Ivy Creek Natural Area (Red Trail)

The Ivy Creek Foundation maintains a natural area off Earlysville Road (out towards the airport) with more than ten different trails of varying lengths and combinations. We recommend following the well-marked path of the Red Trail, which is a cool 1.7 miles and can be done in about an hour. It has short stints of elevation gain, but mostly meanders gently through beautiful second-growth forest and along the creek. This trail is dotted with benches at key vistas and has historical markers along the way to keep your urge to do readings in check. Parking is plentiful, and there is a shorter paved trail in addition to historical buildings on the grounds.

Rivanna Trail (Old Ivy Stretch)

A favorite of tree huggers and dog-walkers living in Ivy Gardens, this portion of the Rivanna Trail starts right before the entrance to I-29 on Old Ivy Road and turns you out on Barracks Road if you follow it to the end. It has minimal elevation change and can be completed in about half an hour. This trail cuts through the woods behind Darden, the Law School, and the JAG School, making it an easy lunchtime break for library dwellers. You can turn off the main trail and exit into the parking lot across from The Park, or use this entrance as your starting point and follow the trail up to Old Ivy (or cut it even shorter by exiting onto Leonard Sandridge). Overall, this trail is well-shaded and close enough to the Law School that even the fussiest indoorsy folks can use it to appreciate some dappled sunshine before the humidity of summer rolls in.

For Afternoon Wanderers:

Preddy Creek Park (Preddy Creek Outer Loop)

This park is over 500 acres of wilderness, located north of town, just off Seminole Trail. It has over sixteen miles of hikes, including routes for equestrians and mountain bikers. We recommend the 3.5-mile Preddy Creek Loop for the perfect afternoon break, but there are plenty of oxbows you can tack on along the way to make it a longer walk. The loop brings you over gentle rolling hills, under towering pines, and back to your car (and its AC) in around two hours. Dogs are welcome and parking is ample.

Pictured: Bearfence - Beautiful in all kinds of weather!

For Folks on the Verge of a Mental Breakdown Who Want to Drop Out and Move to Alaska

Shenandoah National Park

The call of the mountains is strong this time of year, especially when the afternoons turn toward the wrong side of 75 degrees. Shenandoah National Park’s higher elevation means it stays cooler longer, usually with a nice breeze to accompany you on the trail. If you are looking to feel like you have actually accomplished something amongst the endless drudgery of moot courts and interviews, a rock scramble is the answer. Shenandoah has several options, depending on your hiking ability.

Hard: Old Rag

Probably the most popular hike in Virginia, Old Rag is almost ten miles of tough walking interspersed with excellent rocks to clamber over. Let the inexorable march toward graduation fall away, and replace it with the simple falling of footsteps in the woods. This hike will really take you all day, and for some people it takes two—almost every year, one or two hikers find themselves injured on the trail and in need of medevac, which can require a night outdoors if it is too late for the helicopters to fly in. Bring plenty of water, and don’t attempt it if you haven’t done a long hike before.

Moderate: Bearfence

My personal all-time favorite, Bearfence is only about a mile and a half and includes some extremely satisfying rock scrambling to reach a 360-degree view of the valley. It’s a great hike no matter the weather, though rain can make some parts a bit too slick for the faint-hearted adventurer. Fun to do on both clear days, when you can see for miles in every direction, and foggy days, where you feel entirely alone at the top of the world, Bearfence is short enough that you can do it in the morning and then move onto a second trail after lunch. You do not have to be extremely fit to do this trail—there are inclines, and there is some climbing, but as long as you wear proper shoes and don’t have a fear of heights, you should be able to manage. Parking is limited, so definitely plan to start early.

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dl9uh@virginia.edu

A 1L's Guide to Clinics

Virginia Law Weekly March 30, 2023

Ryan Moore '25
Law Weekly Historian

To be completely honest, I had no idea what a clinic was when I was assigned this article. As a first-generation law student, a law school clinic sounded like where one would seek medical treatment for drinking too much library coffee. So I am glad I attended the Experiential Learning Fair last Tuesday, which featured representatives from all twenty-four of the clinics UVA Law has to offer. Additionally, members of the Externships Program, different skills courses, and Student Records were there to answer all my questions. Overall, the fair is designed to introduce students to clinics, which help them to develop their much-needed professional skills before entering real world legal practice. I now have a much better sense of the role clinics will play in our 2L life.[1]

1. What are clinics?

Clinics offer law students the opportunity to develop practical skills under the mentorship of experienced lawyers. Students work with real clients under the direction and mentorship of practicing lawyers. There is a classroom component as well. In addition to real cases, students attend classes to develop professional practice skills and discuss any issues that arise in their cases.

There are two main styles of clinics: yearlong and semester-long. When comparing different clinic options, be sure to check if a yearlong clinic conflicts with both the fall and the spring semester classes you want to take. Some clinics might not conflict with a fall semester class, but come spring semester, you may be unable to take a class you really want.[2]

UVA currently offers twenty-four clinics, ranging from prosecution/defense to international human rights law to youth advocacy.[3] As I was attending the fair, I was overwhelmed with the variety of choices. With so many clinic options to choose from, there is something of interest for everyone.

2. Why join a clinic?

Clinics are an opportunity for law students to get a taste of what being an actual lawyer is like. Students often hear from practicing attorneys that law school is nothing like practicing law. However, in a clinic, law students represent actual clients and do real legal work that changes lives. Kiera Goddu ’24, who is enrolled in the Health and Disability Law Clinic, says, “In the wake of Dobbs, this [clinic] might be one of the most timely clinics you can join.” Goddu notes that the Health and Disability Law Clinic offers students the opportunity to both represent individual clients and to conduct impact litigation that improves the health and wellness of all Virginians.

3. How are clinics graded?

Clinics are either a letter grade, credit/no credit, or “honors/pass/fail.” Yearlong clinics are credit/no-credit for the first semester, but that grading changes in the second semester. For the second semester, students receive either a letter grade or honors/pass/fail. Semester-long clinics can be graded either with a letter grade or honors/pass/fail. Be aware that letter grades for yearlong clinics are not based solely on second-semester performance. Professors grade based on a student’s “preparation for and engagement in clinic work throughout [the year].”[4]

Controversially, some clinics are graded on a curve.[5] This seems like an odd choice, given the fact that every student in a clinic is on the same team, fighting for the same outcomes, for the same clients. Coming from a background in academia, the grading curve always has been, and always will be, a weird practice. I approached a 2L about this concern and they gave me a useful tip: Students can check how a clinic grades on LawWeb. Each course description contains a section stating if the clinic uses letter grades or not.

4. How do students enroll in a clinic?

Every 2L and 3L I talked to at the fair expressed how lucky us 1Ls have it, because apparently the old way of enrolling in clinics was a pain. Now, students enroll in a clinic lottery process well in advance of our regular course lotteries. Like other courses, students rank clinics in order of interest. Students can rank as many clinics as they want, but some clinics also require a separate application, which is submitted directly to the clinic’s directors. Student Records then runs a lottery to fill clinic seats based on student rankings. Students can participate in only one clinic per semester and will be enrolled in their chosen clinic before selecting the remainder of their semester classes. Any remaining clinic seats are opened up during the open enrollment period after course selection.

While most clinics are open to both 2Ls and 3Ls, be aware that some clinics requiring court appearances are only open to 3Ls. The deadline to submit applications for fall semester and yearlong clinics are due no earlier than the last Monday in June; spring semester clinic applications are due no earlier than the last Monday in September.[6]

5. What clinics am I interested in?

Thanks for asking! After attending the Experiential Learning Fair and researching for this article, I think I am most interested in the State and Local Government Policy, Appellate Litigation, and Criminal Defense clinics. State and Local Government Policy offers students the opportunity to work directly with state and local legislators to draft and provide input on pending legislation around Virginia. The Appellate Litigation clinic is vaguely similar to the 1L Legal Research and Writing course, which I have loved.[7] And the Criminal Defense clinic offers 3Ls the opportunity to work on three actual misdemeanor cases.

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tqy7zz@virginia.edu

[1] At least I hope so…

[2] Before I graduate, I WILL take Privacy with Professor Danielle Citron.

[3] https://www.law.virginia.edu/clinics.

[4] https://www.law.virginia.edu/clinics/faqs-about-clinics.

[5] Yes, I can read the UVA Law subreddit too.

[6] https://www.law.virginia.edu/clinics/faqs-about-clinics.

[7] Although ask me again after oral arguments in April.

Admitted Student Archetypes Wednesday, 22 March 2023

Virginia Law Weekly March 23, 2023

Darius Adel '24
Satire Editor

Navigating social interactions can be a little bit like exploring a dungeon full of high-level skeletons and slimes. In video games, you have the freedom to choose what kind of class you’ll be before setting out on your quest. In real life, you already have preset stats. Last week, I ventured out to the Admitted Students Activity Fair and got to observe the different student admit archetypes. There is no one type of admitted student. Creating these categories is ultimately a flawed endeavor, since most of my interactions boiled down to two-minute conversations while orbiting around the student org tables.

The first type of student was actually a disguised mimic that cleverly tried to fool me, the Overbearing Parent. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought they were the ones about to attend law school. Being interested in the school is one thing, but I listened to one parent talk over their child repeatedly while asking about clerkship numbers. Another overzealous parent I spoke to had a bit of a Freudian slip, saying, “I’m still deciding between UVA and Penn.” I’m sure they have a great relationship with their kid.

The second and thankfully more common archetype I saw was the Swag Lord. This person is decked out in all the latest UVA gear. I’m not just talking about hats or hoodies. They have a coordinated outfit down to the blue and orange socks. I imagine that this person prayed at the UVA Law altar every night before getting their acceptance letter. This admit has a mental map of the school and already knows what Libel sketch they are going to write as a 2L. High-level ones may even have access to secret knowledge, like what a Wahoo is and the meaning of collegial. Their love for the Law School is contagious, and that makes them my favorite type of admit.

I dealt with a few students who fall under the Archeologist archetype. These people have intensity. Every conversation is a treasure to be unearthed. They have no qualms with asking the harder questions in their search for knowledge. The reason I enjoyed talking to these people so much is because I could tell they were sincere and serious about picking the right school. One admit asked me if the school’s clerkship numbers were inflated due to the Federalist Society and what their chances of landing a liberal clerkship would be here. Another asked why our public service support lags behind many of our peers and if UVA is just a law-school-to-BigLaw pipeline. Such pointed questions were a bit jarring to hear, but I appreciated them. It is clear that these people have done their research. They see past the fancy website banners and glossy brochures and are thinking critically about their acceptance decision.

In direct opposition to the Archeologist is their failson brother, the Keg Fiend. These ones were hard to spot, but I did find a few in the wild. You can identify them from a distance by the thick forearms they’ve developed from dual-wielding borgs. This person spent all of Thursday snooping around for the best pre-games and parties for the weekend. “Do I have a plug at the school?? Sorry, no, but you can borrow a charger at the library.”[1] As I’m writing this article on Saturday morning, this person is probably throwing up somewhere within a three-mile radius of me and regretting their decisions.

Next, we have the Scholar. These people are all business, all the time. Brooks Brothers gingham shirt? Check. Fleece vest? Check. Firm handshake and unshakable eye contact? Check. I don’t really have much to say about this type of admit, except that they are definitely a type. As someone who usually rolls to class in a wrinkled t-shirt and faded corduroys that I haven’t washed since leaving California, I admire how put-together they are. They are usually very polite, yet distant. They came to the Admitted Students Open House this weekend because it is a box to cross out on their giant checklist, which started in the womb and culminates in them becoming a judge magister of the new world order.[2]

I feel a bit silly categorizing people I spent between one to five minutes interacting with. That being said, first impressions are powerful. Just like in a good roleplaying game, your starting class isn’t necessarily what you will end up as. People are complicated and probably house multiple archetypes within them. The fun part about getting to know someone is being surprised by their unexpected qualities. It will be enjoyable to really get to know some of these people next year. Who knows, maybe the Keg Fiend will become a pious Judicial Warrior. Or, maybe the Scholar will become a Constitutional Necromancer.

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dsa7st@virginia.edu

[1] https://libguides.law.virginia.edu/using/students.

[2] If you want to play a game about corrupt judges, Final Fantasy XII is a great one.

Infidelity in Golf (But Tiger is on the Right Side)

Virginia Law Weekly March 23, 2023

Garrett Coleman ‘25
Managing Editor

With the Players Championship having taken place just over a week ago, the golf season is in full swing for 2023. But a great schism divides the sport. This is the first full season in which the Professional Golfers’ Association (PGA) has a true rival: LIV Golf. Backed by the Saudi Public Investment Fund, this alternative tour has broken the market by offering players absurdly large contracts in exchange for their souls… I mean, commitment to play in LIV events. To offer some perspective, Phil Mickelson signed for $200 million.[1] But now, because of Mickelson v. PGA Tour, I finally have a reason to air my distaste for all things LIV in a legal newspaper.

Eleven LIV players filed suit against the PGA Tour in August of 2022 after they were suspended from participating in events.[2] In February, Judge Beth Labson Freeman of the Northern District of California allowed the PGA to countersue both LIV and the Saudi Public Investment Fund for wrongful interference with its business.[3] Additionally, the PGA is currently under a DOJ investigation for monopolistic behavior, stemming from the same player suspensions.[4]

The complaint alleges that “the PGA Tour has ‘craft[ed] an arsenal of anti-competitive restraints to protect its long-standing monopoly.’”[5] It goes on to list a host of alleged violations of the Sherman Antitrust Act. With much discovery and economic analysis yet to be released, I feel at liberty to give my own, preliminary legal take: Treason!

Whatever you would like to say about the PGA Tour, you cannot contend that it stifles innovation. Every year, courses get longer, and greens get faster. Still, players come in further below par. After the hegemony of Tiger Woods, the Tour has been filled with rising and falling stars. And regular coverage of events places trackers on nearly every shot, which would be an unimaginable luxury for viewers twenty years ago.

The golf market does not lend itself to strong substitutes, either. Much of the draw to PGA events is that they are filled with all the world’s best players. That is certainly the case with the four major championships. But LIV is set to destroy that by buying off the more selfishly minded. This could create a world in which viewers have two tournaments to watch, neither of which is half as enjoyable as the pre-2022 PGA event.

The most recognizable name in golf has remained stalwart in his loyalty to the PGA Tour. Tiger Woods has been quite vocal in his opposition, wanting to leave the Tour better than he found it.[6] And in my opinion, the Brooks Koepkas and Dustin Johnsons ought to follow the lead of their elder, if for no other reason than that Tiger Woods is responsible for their massive paychecks to begin with. When Woods won his first professional tournament in 1996, he earned $567,000, adjusted for inflation.[7] At the Players Championship last week, Scottie Scheffler brought home $4.5 million. So much of that increase in popularity is due to the new face that Woods put on golf. And it is a reminder that these new players have reaped what they did not sow.

Lastly, the PGA Tour is a classic American institution worthy of a special status, akin to Major League Baseball. It is widely known to be an incredibly charitable organization, having used non-profit tournaments to raise billions for local organizations.[8] Turn on any PGA event and watch the commercials for Youth on Course, PGA REACH, and PGA Hope. It is patently obvious that many players and Tour officials are committed to giving back to the communities in which they play. This organization must now defend itself against a competitor that is backed by a foreign monarchy that regularly beheads people.

But I should concede one point to some of the treasonous LIV players. Professional golf offers almost no certainty to the guys outside of the top 100, and the consistent money is mostly reserved for the top fifty. In the Korn Ferry Tour—think of Triple-A baseball or G League basketball—it is not uncommon for players to live in their cars. Out of the best players I knew in high school, who went on to start for top D1 teams, none of them have come close to securing membership on the PGA Tour. And much of this financial concern is the result of the tournament structure itself. As independent contractors,[9] PGA players are guaranteed nothing outside of their sponsorship contracts. If they miss the cut that week—which around half of them will—they lose money. So, the mega-contracts backed by the Saudi Public Investment Fund offer genuine appeal to good players who would otherwise live with financial uncertainty.

This means that there should likely be more player cooperation to secure benefits for up-and-coming golfers. But LIV is doing something different. It is siphoning off top players with absurd contracts and then crying foul when the PGA defends itself. Hopefully, the courts do not shelter LIV with antitrust law.

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jxu6ad@virginia.edu

[1] Emily Washburn, PGA v. LIV: Everything You Need to Know About Golf’s Messiest Drama, Forbes, Feb. 23, 2023.

[2] Id.

[3] Id.

[4] Louise Radnofsky & Andrew Beaton, Justice Department Is Investigating PGA Tour over Potential Antitrust Violations in LIV Golf Battle, Wall St. J., Jul. 11, 2022, https://www.wsj.com/articles/pga-tour-antitrust-liv-department-of-justice-investigation-11657557177?mod=hp_lead_pos1.

[5] Tim Derdenger & Alison Palo, The Key Role of Economic Analysis in PGA Tour Antitrust Suit, Law360 (2022).

[6] Joel Beall, Tiger Woods Explains Why He’s Been So Vocal Against LIV Golf, Golf Dig., Dec. 1, 2022, https://www.golfdigest.com/story/tiger-woods-liv-golf-hero-2022.

[7] Tiger Woods Won His First Pro Tournament in Las Vegas in 1996, Sports Illustrated, Oct. 6, 2021, https://www.si.com/golf/news/tiger-woods-won-his-first-pro-tournament-in-las-vegas-in-1996.

[8] PGA Tour Impact, https://www.pgatour.com/impact.

[9] Evan L. Conder, Wait, Is that Pro Golfer an Employee or Independent Contractor?, Lexology, Dec. 8, 2022, https://www.lexology.com/library/detail.aspx?g=6870e9f1-0b0e-47f1-af85-66d39ff8e475.

Virginia Law Weekly March 23, 2023

Monica Sandu '24
Production Editor

Anybody who knows me knows I’m obsessed with very passionate about Eurovision. And yet, whenever I bring it up, I’m always met with the question: What is Eurovision?

Eurovision 2022 Winners Kalush Orchestra with their trophy, which they would later auction to raise money for the war effort. Oleh Psiuk’s bright pink bucket hat became a symbol of Ukrainian strength.
Source: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-61628590

Background:

Eurovision is the world’s longest-running broadcasted music festival. Countries take part through their national broadcasters, who are members of the European Broadcast Union (EBU).[1] Every country selects a song and an artist, either through a national competition or by their broadcaster, to represent them in a Europe-wide battle of the bands typically hosted by the previous year’s winner. 2023’s edition will be held in the UK, which placed second, as 2022 winner Ukraine is currently unable to host.

All participants, with the exception of the “Big Five” (i.e., the EBU’s five largest financial contributors: the UK, Spain, Germany, Italy, and France) and the previous year’s winner are evenly divided by random draw into one of two semifinals. All artists perform live on stage in one massive concert, after which the public votes via text or online for their favorite acts.

Points are allocated by country, where each country gives out one to eight points, ten points, and the coveted twelve points to their top ten performances. The top ten from each semifinal advance to the Grand Final.[2] In the Grand Final, each country also has a national jury of five music industry professionals who judge songs based on performance, composition, and staging, and rank their favorites. The top ten of each national jury receive twelve, ten, and eight to one points. There is also a public vote, which counts for 50 percent of the total points. The song with the most points wins!

Participants:

● Albania – Duje,[3] Albina & Familja Kelmendi

● Armenia – Future Lover, Brunette

● Australia – Promise, Voyager[4]

● Austria – Who the Hell is Edgar?, Teya and Salena

● Azerbaijan – Tell Me More, TuralTuranX

● Belgium – Because of You, Gustaph

● Croatia – Mama ŠČ!, Let 3

● Cyprus – Breaking a Broken Heart, Andrew Lambrou

● Czechia – My Sister’s Crown, Vesna

● Denmark – Breaking My Heart, Reiley

● Estonia – Bridges, Alika

● Finland – Cha Cha Cha, Kääijä

● France – Évidemment,[5] La Zarra

● Georgia – Echo, Iru Khechanovi

● Germany – Blood and Glitter, Lord of the Lost

● Greece – What they Say, Victor Vernicos

● Iceland – Power, Diljá

● Ireland – We Are One, Wild Youth

● Israel – Unicorn, Noa Kirel

● Italy – Due Vite,[6] Marco Mengoni

● Latvia – Aijā,[7] Sudden Lights

● Lithuania – Stay, Monika Linktė

● Malta – Dance (Our Own Party), The Busker

● Moldova – Soarele şi Luna,[8] Pasha Parfeni

● Netherlands – Burning Daylight, Mia Nicolai & Dion Cooper

● Norway – Queen of Kings, Alessandra

● Poland – Solo, Blanka

● Portugal – Ai Coração,[9] Mimicat

● Romania – D.G.T. [10] (Off and On), Theodor Andrei

● San Marino – Like an Animal, Piqued Jacks

● Serbia – Samo Mi Se Spava,[11] Luke Black

● Slovenia – Carpe Diem, Joker Out

● Spain – Eaea,[12] Blanca Paloma

● Sweden – Tattoo, Loreen

● Switzerland – Watergun, Remo Forrer

● Ukraine – Heart of Steel, TVORCHI

● United Kingdom – I Wrote a Song, Mae Muller

My Ranking

1 point to Italy

I love a good Italian ballad, and Due Vite is no exception. After all, it did win Sanremo, which is an even bigger deal in Italy than Eurovision. It’s powerful, full of emotion, and quite beautiful.

2 points to Slovenia

I don’t speak a word of Slovenian, but the band is so charming and engaging, especially live, that they more than make up for it. Carpe Diem is exactly what you’d think—a party song with a great beat.

3 points to Malta

This song is so silly and sweet, I can’t help but like it! Plus, it has a Maltese version of Epic Sax Guy (who represented Moldova at Eurovision in 2010 and 2017)!

4 points to Austria

Who the Hell is Edgar? masks its serious critique of the music industry’s poor treatment and payment of songwriters in a silly tune about being possessed by the ghost of UVA alumnus Edgar Allan Poe.

5 points to Czechia

My Sister’s Crown is a song about Slavic sisterhood. With lyrics in Czech, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, and English, it pleads, “My sister’s crown, don’t take it down,” referencing Russia’s attempt to destroy Ukraine’s sovereignty. The chorus is in Ukrainian, repeating, “My beautiful sister, you are so strong. Brave and the only one, the crown is yours.”

6 points to Finland

Imagine a crazy mixture of metal, Euro-pop, and Nordic rap. All in Finnish. Sung by a man wearing bright green puffy sleeves, no shirt, and tight leather pants. With a bowl cut. And it’s brilliant.

7 points to France

Those who know me know this is not a shock. Évidemment, sung by Québécoise singer La Zarra, is a delightful blend of French chanson and upbeat disco pop. Paired with beautifully evocative lyrics about love and lies, it’s exactly what I like to hear.

8 points to Portugal

Though there are four songs this year about the heart, Ai Coração is by far the finest. It’s a unique and charming Portuguese dance song singing about the foils of love. It took Portugal fifty-three years to get from their debut in 1964 to their first victory in 2017, but hopefully, their second victory won’t take nearly as long.

10 points to Moldova

Is it heavily biased to have Moldova in my top two for two years in a row? Perhaps. Do I care? No! Soarele şi Luna is a unique, Romanian-language, ethnic folk bop with a dark and mysterious flair, accompanied by a traditional wooden flute and powerful drums. It has the lyrics of a love song, heavy with imagery from Romanian folk mythology, about how the Sun and the Moon will hold the wedding crowns[13] of a young couple and bless their marriage under a sky of stars.

And finally, 12 points to… SPAIN

Eaea is a beautiful, mystical mixture of traditional flamenco with modern, avant-garde performance flair. A chant to singer Blanca Paloma’s late grandmother, the song speaks of how her grandmother wished to be buried on the moon when she died so that she may watch over Blanca every night, except one, when Blanca joins her. It’s a work of art that I hope will bring Spain their first victory since 1969.

Eurovision 2023 will take place on Tuesday, May 9 (Semi-Final 1); Thursday, May 11 (Semi-Final 2); and Saturday, May 13 (Grand Final), in Liverpool. All three shows can be streamed for free online at SVT, Sweden’s national broadcaster. Alternatively, it can be streamed for American audiences on Peacock. For the first time in Eurovision history, people from non-participating countries will be allowed to vote in a “rest of the world” category. Let the Eurovision Song Contest begin!

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ms7mn@virginia.edu

[1] Plus Australia, which participates as an invited guest of the EBU.

[2] Qualifiers are announced in random order and results are kept secret in order to avoid influencing the final.

[3] “To Love”

[4] Fun fact: Australia’s lead singer this year is also a practicing immigration lawyer and has his own firm! Thus, this entire article is related to law school.

[5] “Obviously”

[6] “Two Lives”

[7] “Rockabye”

[8] “The Sun and the Moon”

[9] “Oh Heart”

[10] Pronounced “de-ge-te,” meaning “fingers”

[11] “I just wanna sleep”.

[12] “The sound of a lullaby”

[13] Orthodox weddings include a traditional crowning of the couple after the bulk of the ceremony is performed, with the crowns linked by a ribbon, symbolizing two becoming one.

Naked Mole-Rats II: Ugly Essentials

Virginia Law Weekly March 23, 2023

Jonathan Peterson ‘23
Executive Editor Emeritus

In my last article, I discussed many of the basic physical characteristics of naked mole-rats. Even those were bizarre, but the main focus of that article was on the infinitely more bizarre social structure of a naked mole-rat colony. These mammals live in groups which more closely resemble colonies of insects than the mammalian social structures we know. However, that article should not be taken to imply that the social structure of naked mole-rats is the craziest thing about these extraordinary little aliens. These mammals have been the subject of significant scientific research to discover both the “how” and the “why” of many of their physical characteristics.

Thermoconformers

Mammals are notoriously thermoregulators—they maintain their body temperature within a specific and fairly narrow range. For instance, humans generally range from ninety-seven to ninety-nine degrees Fahrenheit. We expend energy to keep our body temperature within that range. This is how all mammals function—except for one.

Naked mole-rats are thermoconformers. This means that their body temperature conforms to the temperature of the environment around them. Because they live in burrows, the underground temperature is fairly consistent. Further, this adaptation is undeniably beneficial in their low-resource environment. Because their body temperature conforms to the temperature of their environment, they need not expend significant resources heating and cooling their bodies, like all other mammals.

Some argue that naked mole-rats are not true thermoconformers, but rather behavioral thermoregulators. This is based on evidence that, at temperatures above twenty-nine degrees Celsius, naked mole-rats will retreat deeper into the cooler areas of their burrows. And in cooler temperatures, naked mole-rats will huddle together, or congregate near the entrances to their burrow, where the sun is stronger.[1] So, some argue that they regulate their temperature through behaviors.

Pain Tolerance

In addition to being pink, hairless, and wrinkly, naked mole-rats are also immune to certain forms of pain. “[T]his superpower only works with specific chemical stimuli—acid and capsaicin—heat and pressure” are still painful to naked mole-rats.[2] This is because naked mole-rats do not have neurotransmitters in their cutaneous sensory fibers. Or, in English, their skin doesn’t have the nerves necessary to transmit the “pain” sensation.

One theory for why naked mole-rats have gained this adaptation is, again, related to the lack of resources in their environment. Having a less complex nervous system requires less energy—this makes naked mole-rats more efficient in their isolated environment.[3] Another theory posits that this adaptation developed in response to the naked mole-rat’s low oxygen and high carbon dioxide environment. The high levels of carbon dioxide can cause acid buildup in the body tissues of the rodents—this adaptation literally allows them to not experience the pain associated with this acid buildup.

Harnessing the power of this adaptation could help doctors to manage patient pain levels in treatments more effectively. This could be important for those suffering from cancer and arthritis. Acid buildup in the body is a significant contributor to chronic pain for both. If scientists could harness the ability of naked mole-rats to not experience pain resulting from acid, those suffering from cancer and arthritis could eliminate much of their chronic pain.[4]

Oxygen Deprivation

Naked mole-rats are also incredible at surviving in poorly ventilated, low-oxygen tunnels. For one, the hemoglobin in their blood is particularly efficient at oxygen uptake. Further, their respiratory and metabolic rates are far lower than other mammals their size—about 70 percent compared to a mouse—which allows for minimal oxygen use. Couple the two together and you have a rodent that is incredibly efficient at utilizing oxygen while simultaneously needing very little.

In fact, naked mole-rats can survive for at least five hours in an environment which contains only 5 percent oxygen. And they can survive indefinitely in an environment which contains 80 percent carbon dioxide and 20 percent oxygen. To put this into perspective, our atmosphere is 78.08 percent nitrogen, 20.95 percent oxygen, and 0.93 percent argon. Greenhouse gases like carbon dioxide, methane, nitrous oxide, and ozone collectively account for a mere 0.04 percent of our atmosphere.[5] So, carbon dioxide typically makes up only a portion of 0.04 percent of our atmosphere. Bump that up to 80 percent and leave oxygen at about 20 percent, and naked mole-rats would be content.

If that wasn’t crazy enough, naked mole-rats can take this a step further. “Their nerve cells can function for almost one hour in the complete absence of oxygen,”[6] and they seem to experience no negative side effects from being completely without oxygen for eighteen minutes.[7] They do this by switching from glucose to fructose for energy production within the body. Animals typically use glucose in an aerobic reaction—one which requires oxygen—to produce energy. Once a glucose molecule is broken into three smaller carbon molecules by glycolysis, the Krebs Cycle begins, and energy is produced. Naked mole-rats can, however, create energy through another means: fructose-driven glycolysis. Despite being far less efficient at creating energy than glucose-driven glycolysis, fructose-driven glycolysis is an anaerobic reaction, meaning no oxygen is required to produce the energy to keep vital bodily functions going. If this could be harnessed by scientists to aid humans, it could be used to prevent brain damage in patients suffering from strokes and other complications that restrict oxygen flow to the brain.[8]

Cancer Resistance

If the naked mole-rat isn’t your favorite animal by now, I don’t know what else I can say—besides the fact that they are almost entirely resistant to cancer.[9] Scientists aren’t fully sure what it is about naked mole-rats that makes them so cancer resistant, but there are a few theories. The first relates to what are known as “overcrowding” genes. Most mammals, including naked mole-rats, have the gene p27. This gene prevents cell division based on cell density—once cells come into contact with each other and reach a certain density, cell division will no longer occur. This prevents the unrestricted cell proliferation that is quintessential to cancer. While most mammals have the gene p27, naked mole-rats also have the gene p16. The two are both overcrowding genes; however, p16 functions at a much lower cell density than p27. This double layer of protection is believed to contribute to naked mole-rats’ cancer resistance.

In 2013, two other discoveries were made about naked mole-rats that may contribute to their cancer resistance. The first is that they have very high-molecular-mass hyaluronan molecules—five times larger than typical hyaluronan molecules.[10] Additionally, their ribosomes produce extremely error-free proteins, which contributes by limiting the number of mutations. Mutations are what lead to cells which exhibit unrestricted proliferation, so limiting the number of mutations reduces the risk of cancer.

Longevity

Finally, if you thought to yourself, “Maybe the naked mole-rat doesn’t get cancer because it doesn’t live very long,” you would be wrong. Naked mole-rats are the longest-living rodent and have a maximum recorded age of thirty-two years. And, unlike most mammals, their mortality rate does not increase with age.

Explanations for this include the naked mole-rat’s ability to lower its metabolism and the error-free proteins, both discussed above. Finally, both humans and naked mole-rats have higher levels of genes dedicated to repairing DNA than shorter-lived species, like mice.

Conclusion

I’ll keep it short: Naked mole-rats are crazy. They may not be beautiful, they may not be soft and cuddly, but they are incredibly interesting. And part of appreciating nature fully is appreciating things for more than their mere aesthetics. And loving nature is loving things despite their aesthetics. To me, naked mole-rats are ugly essentials, deserving of all the love they don’t receive.

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jtp4bw@virginia.edu

[1] As with the last article, assume all uncited information is supported by Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naked_mole-rat. I’m not entirely sure how this evidence is incompatible with the thermoconformer hypothesis. It seems to me that seeking out warmer or cooler environments to maintain a comfortable internal temperature is entirely consistent with maintaining an internal temperature consistent with the environment—otherwise known as thermoconforming.

[2] Ewan St. John Smith, Meet the Naked Mole-rat: Impervious to Pain and Cancer, and Lives Ten Times Longer than It Should (June 17, 2019) https://theconversation.com/meet-the-naked-mole-rat-impervious-to-pain-and-cancer-and-lives-ten-times-longer-than-it-should-118809. Capsaicin is what gives chili peppers their spiciness. It is a chemical irritant and neurotoxin for mammals.

[3] Elizabeth Pennisi, How Naked Mole Rats Conquered Pain—And What It Could Mean for Us (Oct. 11, 2016), https://www.science.org/content/article/how-naked-mole-rats-conquered-pain-and-what-it-could-mean-us#:~:text=Although%20it%20has%20a%20face,pain%20from%20injury%20and%20inflammation.

[4] Smith, supra note 2.

[5] Alan Buis, The Atmosphere: Getting a Handle on Carbon Dioxide, NASA (Oct. 9, 2019), https://climate.nasa.gov/news/2915/the-atmosphere-getting-a-handle-on-carbon-dioxide/#:~:text=By%20volume%2C%20the%20dry%20air,methane%2C%20nitrous%20oxide%20and%20ozone.

[6] Smith, supra note 2.

[7] Park et al., Fructose-driven Glycolysis Supports Anoxia Resistance in the Naked Mole-rat, Science (Apr. 21, 2017), https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/science.aab3896.

[8] Smith, supra note 2.

[9] They are also not my favorite animal, to be clear.

[10] I simply do not understand how this has an impact, but allegedly it does.

The Four Functions of the UVA SBA

Virginia Law Weekly March 15, 2023

Jacob Smith '23
Professor Liason Editor

We have just held Law-School-wide elections over who will lead the Student Bar Association, or SBA. But what does SBA do? Well, SBA does basically four things. It runs events, represents students, recognizes student organizations, and provides information to the student body.

Planning Events

Here is SBA’s greatest power: the ability to spend lots of money on bringing students together. Say what you will about SBA, it plans an impressive array of events. There’s all the Bar Reviews. There’s Barrister’s and Fauxfield. There’s the Spies Garden social events, and Feb Club, and special events for 3Ls, and the list goes on. Outgoing president Juhi Desai ’23 estimated that if you count everything that someone from SBA is involved with, SBA has a hand in fifty to sixty events per year.

That’s a big responsibility, and one that our incoming and outgoing presidents have taken seriously. When asked about her proudest accomplishments as president, Desai was quick to point to Mental Health Week, as well as an event about the Jackson, Mississippi water crisis that SBA co-sponsored and the Law Weekly covered.[1] Incoming president Tommy Cerja ’24 has given events a lot of thought, too. Along with bigger venues, better DJs, and cheaper tickets, Cerja would like to co-sponsor more events with student organizations, with the idea of basically letting them throw a party on SBA’s dime. He also intends to arrange a big fall competition that he described as the equivalent of bringing Darden Cup to the Law School.

Representing Students

Now we get to SBA’s most solemn function: SBA as the student body’s voice. For example, the SBA president nominates students to provide representation on faculty committees dealing with items such as curriculum, public service, and new faculty hiring. The SBA president also meets with Dean Sarah Davies ’91 every week, and less frequently with Law School Dean Risa Goluboff, providing an opportunity to ask questions or pass along concerns on behalf of other students.

More formally, SBA can officially take a position on a topic. SBA’s bylaws provide for resolutions, defined as “statement[s] of the sentiment of the Student Body.”[2] According to the bylaws, SBA can pass a resolution in one go with a three-fourths vote, or by a more involved three-step process that requires two majority votes at separate meetings, with email notice to the student body in between those meetings.[3] SBA has not passed any resolutions recently, although, in November, SBA did apparently endorse another organization’s letter without going through the formal resolution process.[4] However, Cerja wants to give SBA a more active role in speaking out on behalf of the student body. He told me he hopes to shift SBA away from its traditional ideological neutrality and put out more statements.

Recognizing Student Organizations

SBA also has a role in recognizing new student organizations. While the SBA constitution says nothing about that power, it has long been accepted practice that SBA screens new student organizations before their applications reach Student Affairs.[5] Recognition is important for student clubs because it lets them access resources such as Law School Foundation funding and room reservations. SBA’s approval process isn’t especially rigorous: Desai said, “Generally, we’re going to vote it up.” However, SBA officials get the chance to ask questions about the proposed organization, hoping to verify that it has a viable future at the Law School.

It could have been otherwise. The UVA Student Council requires Main Grounds groups to have hosted at least three meetings (not including interest meetings and social gatherings) and to have at least ten committed members before they will be approved.[6] And at some law schools, I’m told the SBA’s power extends to approving club budgets.

Providing Information

The final function SBA performs is simply providing information. This is most visible in SBA’s Monday Mail newsletter. But SBA also has an outline bank and other resources on its website.[7] Less obviously, students can contact their SBA president and other representatives with questions. Like your local state senator, SBA people may be more informed about how the Law School runs and what’s going on behind the scenes, so it can be worth pulling one of them aside.

So What?

Having learned about SBA’s functions, you may be wondering what this means for you. Well, one takeaway is thankfulness. SBA does a lot to represent you behind the scenes—they give you free outlines, and, if nothing else, they are a very competent party-planning crew. But should topics other than gratitude cross your mind, why don’t you let your representatives know how they can better serve you? Cerja plans to give affinity groups better representation on the Diversity Advisory Committee, and to set up an anonymous Google Form for event feedback so that the disaffected don’t have to resort to Reddit tirades. But the most straightforward path of communication hasn’t gone away either: Simply reach out to your president, or another elected official, such as your class senator. During Desai’s term, students would typically contact her multiple times a week on a variety of topics—including everything from airing grievances to asking about how to reserve a room. You’re only an email away.

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js3hp@virginia.edu

[1] For coverage, see Ethan Brown, Professor, Activist, and Student Leader Investigate Jackson, MS Water Crisis (Nov. 9, 2022), https://www.lawweekly.org/front-page/2022/11/9/professor-activist-and-student-leader-investigate-jackson-ms-water-crisis.

[2] SBA Bylaws, Art. IV, Sec. 1 (last amended July 15, 2020).

[3] Id. at Section 2.

[4] See SBA Minutes, Nov. 29, 2022, available at https://www.uvasba.com/general-5-4.

[5] This function is covered extensively by the SBA Bylaws, Art. X.

[6] See UVA Student Council, Applying for CIO Status, https://www.uvastudco.com/org-rec (last visited March 12, 2023).

[7] See https://www.uvasba.com/. SBA also has a Twitter account, @UVASBA, but it has been silent since 2020.

Long Distance Love Languages: The Sequel

Virginia Law Weekly March 15, 2023

Julia D'Rozario ’24
New Media Editor

A year ago, I wrote an article called “Long Distance Love Languages”[1] about keeping in touch with old friends. It was objectively mushy and very niche—basically just a love letter to my childhood best friends—but it resonated with some who read it. I wrote about the beauty of old friendships and the unique connections that grow when you’ve known someone for what feels like a lifetime.

Sometimes, I feel like my friends know me better than I know myself. They still see me as I was when I was a kid, unclouded by whatever circumstances are currently preoccupying me or affecting my demeanor. Maintaining connections with old friends takes work, especially when there’s distance involved… but it’s so incredibly rewarding. I’m grateful every day for how close we’ve stayed over the last decade and a half.

In last year’s article, I shared three tips for maintaining friendships across time zones, countries, and continents. Today, inspired by my spring break, I’m sharing two more:

1) Plan a trip.

Over spring break, I had the opportunity to go on holiday with my friends. It was an absolute dream come true (not to mention, it was literally the only thing in the world that could have granted me the strength to return for another half semester). It was a complete reset—I didn’t realize how unrested I had been feeling.

I think the emotional reset came from getting to spend a week just being, without “performing.”

I don’t mean “performing” in a bad way. I don’t know if this is just me, but I feel like I became an actual person when I was… seventeen? Maybe sixteen. It took me that long to become comfortable with the little behaviors and niceties that make up human interactions. Children don’t instinctively have the self-awareness to understand how they’re being perceived by others and to adopt habits that align with the society around them. They’re just sweet, chaotic little monsters, running around with limited impulse control and emotional regulation, being completely themselves without regard for what it means to exist amongst people. By the time we get a little older, we learn how to “perform”—how to keep being social when our battery runs out, how to make small talk without looking distracted, etc. It’s a good thing. But it’s exhausting.

The thing about friends who knew you before you knew how to perform is that… you don’t have to perform. You know each other’s social battery life, so there are no hard feelings when one person goes to bed at 6 p.m. They know the subtle difference between your “ask-me-what’s-wrong” face and your “don’t-ask-me-what’s-wrong” face. You don’t need to explain anything because they know your quirks already.

The lack of performance allows you to revert to a sort of childlike consciousness, which leaks into the rest of your life. I experienced the week with more wonderment than I’ve felt in years. Every laugh was a full-on fit of giggles.

2) Take so, so many photos.

The passage of time is relentless, and human memory is extremely imperfect. I feel like I graduated middle school yesterday, but I know logically that many of the memories I hold dear are distorted.

Even worse, I know that many of the joyful, funny, silly moments I’ve experienced in my life are forgotten. This became abundantly clear to me on my holiday. Two of us were discussing a school trip we had been on twelve years ago, and our memories overlapped so much less than I thought they would for having been on the exact same trip.

I remember leaving Nutella in the panini maker, attracting thousands of ants into the house, and laughing about it until our sides hurt; she had no memory of Nutella paninis. She, on the other hand, remembered watching the sun set over a beautiful black sand beach. Apparently, I was right there and loving it, but I unfortunately had no memory whatsoever of any beautiful black sand beaches. Now, I wouldn’t trade my Nutella panini memories for anything in the world—but I can’t help but feel disappointed that I’ve apparently experienced joy that no longer “exists” in my mind. Is an experience still life-changing and memorable if it doesn’t change your life and isn’t retained as a memory?

This is where photos come in. Don’t underestimate the power of visual stimuli. One seemingly random photo can open the floodgates to a million buried memories. Looking back more than a decade in my camera roll, I found a picture from the trip—a nondescript selfie on a nondescript field trip bus—and it’s like something unlocked. I remembered where we went on that bus (a black sand beach). I remembered a tree house, which my friend remembered, too. I remembered a million other tiny, happy moments.

I strongly believe that cherishing these moments—by holding on to the ones that have passed and continuing to create more—is a cornerstone of lasting love.

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jkd2dd@virginia.edu

[1] See Julia D’Rozario, Long Distance Love Languages: The Definitive Guide to Keeping in Touch with Old Friends, Virginia Law Weekly Apr. 6, 2022, at 3.

A Charlottesville Crash Course for Admitted Students

Virginia Law Weekly March 15, 2023

Ethan Brown '25
Features Editor

For two days, on Thursday, March 16 and Friday, March 17, several hundred individuals admitted to our dear Law School will descend on Charlottesville for a jam-packed forty-eight hours of seminars, information sessions, mock classes, and networking. When I attended Admitted Students Weekend (“ASW”) last year, I absolutely loved it. I came away from the experience feeling extremely excited about the prospect of attending UVA Law, and I hope that every admitted student who joins us this year feels the same way.[1]

But I also remember feeling a little disappointed that I hadn’t been able to spend any time exploring the area during my visit.[2] So, in the hopes that some plucky admitted student picks up a copy of this week’s Virginia Law Weekly as they meander around the school, desperately trying to find Slaughter Hall,[3] here are my tips for maximizing any free weekend time in Charlottesville:

1. Go to Cou Cou Rachou.

This is the first item on the list because it is unquestionably the most important. Cou Cou Rachou is a delectable French bakery just a five minute drive from North Grounds, and if you have a car and more than 300 seconds of free time during your stay in Charlottesville, you simply must go. The vibes are immaculate, the pastries are delicious, and the outdoor patio is precious (and warm!). I recommend stopping by and grabbing their cardamom braid as well as their egg and spinach quiche, because if you have to spend your travel stipend for ASW on something, it might as well be a pleasant breakfast.[4] I evangelize this restaurant like nobody’s business, and since I’m a “journalist” in the most charitable sense of the word, you can trust me.

2. Check out Main Grounds.

UVA Law students sit in our little brutalist ivory tower up here on North Grounds, and by virtue of our building being a mile or so away from Main Grounds, we rarely have to interact with the University’s undergraduate population. On the whole, I consider that to be a pretty fantastic attribute of UVA Law. But I highly encourage all admitted students—particularly ones who haven’t been to Charlottesville before—to at least take a short stroll around Main Grounds, particularly The Lawn.

If you’ve seen any UVA promotional material in your life, you’ve seen the Rotunda and The Lawn, and very rightfully so. These historic portions of UVA’s undergraduate campus make up one of only twenty-four UNESCO World Heritage Sites in the United States. I’m lowkey an architecture nerd, particularly when it comes to colleges and universities,[5] and UVA takes the cake in creating a captivating common space at the heart of its campus. I make a point of going through Main Grounds on my morning runs, so I see it often. But even if you aren’t planning on making frequent stops to the undergraduate campus during your time here, I recommend checking it out at least once. I promise it will get you excited about joining this institution.

3. Stroll around Ragged Mountain Natural Area and Reservoir.

Another stone’s throw from North Grounds is Ragged Mountain, a beautiful outdoor space with hiking and biking trails, ample parking, and stunning views of the Charlottesville metropolitan area. While I have my designated areas around Charlottesville for my trademark Hot-Gay-Boy Walks,[6] Ragged Mountain is my go-to place for more solemn and reflective walks, the sort we all inevitably have when the stress of law school and the fear of eventual oblivion set in. I know that might not sound like the greatest sales pitch. But it’s still a gorgeous place for a stroll!

4. See how people here actually interact with each other when the dust of ASW settles.

This is probably the hardest thing to do with limited time, but the point of ASW is to show prospective students that their lives at UVA Law will not only be tolerable, but enjoyable. I think that our Admissions Department does a great job of doing that, but obviously, every law school puts a veneer on things—until you matriculate here, or at any other institution, it’s hard to encapsulate the intangibles of a law school experience. And at risk of seeming like too strong of a simp for UVA Law, which I deeply fear will undermine my credibility as this paper’s premier snarky satire writer,[7] I do think this Law School is special.

People here generally like each other. We aren’t competitive, or at least not in a way that’s toxic, like it is at other schools. And by and large, even though law school is stressful, almost everyone I know is still happy to be here. It can be difficult to see those intangible elements for yourself, even as you’re told them over and over again by professors and administrators during ASW, so try and stick around the Law School for a few minutes once it’s over on Saturday. You’ll see people spending time with each other and actually seeming to like each other’s company; you’ll come across the clusters of 1Ls studying and helping each other through tough Property cases; and you’ll bear witness to the moments of unadulterated joy, like those that come from the discovery of a loose Starburst on the floor outside Student Affairs. These small moments make UVA Law the special place it is.

With that, I wish all ASW attendees the happiest of stays in Charlottesville and the best of luck wherever their law school admissions journey takes them, though I sure hope it ends in a return trip to C’ville this August.

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bwj2cw@virginia.edu

[1] Except the ones who come to ASW and subsequently feel the compulsive need to tell every person they meet that they’re deciding between here and Harvard. I don’t need y’all messing up the vibe.

[2] Which, to be fair, I knew I would not not see much of during my first year of law school. But don’t undersell the significance of liking the place you’re about to spend three years of your life living in!

[3] See Ethan Brown During His Own ASW, March 17, 2022.

[4] Don’t forget your travel subsidy, y’all! ASW attendees get up to $400 reimbursed, with no need to produce receipts, depending on geographic origin.

[5] This is genuinely the most embarrassing sentence I’ve written in the Law Weekly, and this is coming from the man who somehow managed to write 2,300 words about The White Lotus.

[6] TikTok hasn’t caught onto them yet, smh.

[7] A self-appointed title.