Stan Birch ‘22
News Editor
What is this, an online school for ants? No, but the fashion is IN the computer. Everyone except the professor and that one gunner who keeps talking is so small. I can’t see the outfits.
Pictured: You, on Zoom. Do Gooder. Photo Courtesy of facebook.com.
In a year that Elle and GQ predicted would be filled with colorful leather, modern farmhouse-style, sprawling banquets, requisite throwbacks, and lots of short-shorts, a two-month period has completely turned all of that on its unwashed head. Instead, “fashion” has been reduced to a 1-by-2 inch, poorly lit rectangle. So let’s unpack how, in this restricting and minimizing world, you can remain the fashionista that your finstagram makes you out to be.
Staging
As much as everyone in your class loves to see the bottom of your chin like a child in a room full of adults, let’s get that camera set up a little higher. Look at a YouTube vlog by any guy in his mid-twenties who is into technology or some kind of “sport”, and you’ll see the same thing: HIGH. ANGLES. ARE. YOUR. FRIEND. Next—and please do not overlook this—tidy up! Trash all over the place is not a good look; don’t leave your bed unmade if it’s in the frame, and if your back is not to a wall, lock any doors that can open behind you. (Your mom coming to clean your room behind you stopped being fashionable the first time you messed up laundry in college.)
Clothing
Summer 2020: Swimsuits are out, sweatsuits are in. Being warm is the most important thing when your parents keep the house at 67 degrees. And because nobody will see your tan unless you’re one of those students who has a 4K camera. (The Law Weekly sees you and has many, many personal questions.) If your classes are a few days apart, consider rotating hoodies based on the class schedule. That way nobody notices that the same stain has been on your shirt for multiple days.[1] If you’ve ever been curious to find out if you can pull off streetwear, cut-offs, floral, Tommy Bahama, or a fedora, now may seem like the easiest time to give them a shot. IT IS NOT! In the “before times,” it was socially unacceptable to laugh at someone’s face and take a picture of them. Now, the microphones are all muted and screenshots exist. Experiment with caution.
Hair
Lax-bro flow will make a comeback in the Fall of 2020, because who the hell can cut their own hair?
Accessories
Pets. Those are the only acceptable accessories. Holding your “daytime clutch” in the shot will make you look like every makeup blogger talking about how much they “hate this old thing I’ve had forever” that just happened to come out two days before the video. If you try and make the digital background of your Zoom call a statement, that statement reads: Never unmute my microphone.
Happy April Fools’ Day!
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sfb9yu@virginia.edu
[1] ...weeks...